Marital Red Flags

Sunday Sermons

Mark Dunagan
01/13/02 - Sunday Evening

Marital Red Flags

Some examples of red flags that may indicate problems in marriage include:

Enjoying spending times with others more than one’s spouse,

looking for excuses to stay away from home,

not going to bed at same time (for reasons other than work), and

not enjoying spending time together.

In contrast, a healthy marriage, or more correctly God’s expectation for marriage, that standard that He will hold us to on the Last Day, is “For this cause a man shall leave his father and mother and cleave to his wife” (Ephesians 5:31). Far more is involved in “cleaving” than merely staying married. The term “cleave” means “to adhere to or glue to”, as someone noted, “There is no useleaving unless we're willing to spend a lifetime cleaving. No one should be closer to you than your marriage partner”. The Holy Spirit also commanded, “Enjoy life with the woman whom you love all the days of your fleeting life which He has given to you under the sun; for this is your reward in life, and in your labor in which you have labored under the sun” (Ecclesiastes 9:9). The decision to distance oneself from one’s mate, either physically or emotionally, is a decision to forego one of God’s rewards, it is a decision to simply live a life of toil and labor. Human beings are married for such a short period of their existence; it is a tragedy when a couple decides to squander this precious period of time. It should be obvious to any thinking person that spending more time apart from a spouse will not improve the relationship and neither will it solve any conflicts. Jesus noted, “For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also” (Matthew 6:21). What we truly value will receive our time and attention, and if we truly value a relationship with God and a good marriage then we will seek to minimize the time that keeps us apart from our families.

Easily distracted when mate is talking.

With any human being, it is a mark of disrespect to not pay attention when someone is talking to you. Clearly, it is a violation of loving your neighbor as yourself (Matthew 7:12). In addition, such is a manifestation that one is so caught up in their own world, or their own life, that nothing else interests them—that’s just plain selfish (Philippians 2:3-4). Andrew J. Holmes noted, “It is well to remember that the entire population of the universe, with one trifling exception, is composed of others”. An attribute of a person that the Bible labels as a “fool” is someone who is impatient of all advice (Proverbs 1:7; 10:8; 12:15 “The way of a fool is right in his own eyes, but a wise man is he who listens to counsel”).

Negativity, sarcasm, or criticism toward each other.

God warns us that we will reap what we have sown (Galatians 6:7), and this is one of those inflexible rules of reality. In relationships, no one wins when there is constant criticism, complaining, or arguing. Paul noted, “But if you bite and devour one another, take care lest you be consumed by one another” (Galatians 5:15). James chapter three has a good test concerning whose “wisdom” we are following and an application can be made concerning whose advice we are following in our marriages. There is an earthly wisdom and a heavenly wisdom (James 3:13-18). Earthly wisdom produces bitter jealousy, selfish ambition, arrogance, lies, disorder, and every evil thing. The application of heavenly wisdom, including the use of our tongues (3:1-12), produces peace, gentleness, reasonable people, mercy, good fruits, dependability, and the absence of hypocrisy. The Book of Proverbs says a lot about the power of the words we utter. In his Commentary, Derek Kidner makes the following notes: “What is done to you is of little account beside what is done in you, and the latter may be for good or ill. The feelings, or morale, may be lacerated by a cruel or clumsy thrust (‘like the piercings of a sword’. 12:18a), and ‘a wounded spirit who can bear?’ (18:14); equally, they may be vitalized by a timely word (12:18b, 25), and the whole body with them (‘sweetness to the soul and health to the body’, 16:24)” (p. 46).

Less communication now than one year ago, and

not laughing together.

In response to the above, someone might say, “So what!” My response is that a failure to build a strong relationship with your mate is very shortsighted. Everyone ends up being tried and tested by life’s problems (1 Corinthians 10:13), and people who try to remain isolated islands have a very low success rate in dealing with life’s setbacks (Ecclesiastes 4:10 “Woe to the one who falls when there is not another to lift him up”). The very fact that God commands us to look out for one another (Hebrews 3:12-13; 10:24) is plenty of proof that the person who tries to go it alone will probably fail. Laughter may not seem to important to some, but there are times when a good laugh with your mate over some trial or setback will make a huge difference concerning whether a trial will make you bitter or better.

Arguing over the same issue over and over again.

When a believer is married to an unbeliever, eventually even an issue of eternal importance, such as the need to obey the gospel is to be dropped, and rather, one is simply to set the right example and let that example do the talking (1 Peter 3:1 “they may be won without a word”). How much more do dead issues that will not matter in eternity need to be dropped and forgotten? In addition, let us remember that the devil is continually trying to get us (1 Peter 5:8; Ephesians 4:26-27), and martial arguments over a dead horse often give the devil a foothold in a marriage.

Refusal to be honest with one’s spouse,

not knowing what to talk about when together.

One excuse that pops up when couples do not communicate is, “I can’t think of anything to talk about”. Let’s be honest here. In all are other relationships we are bored by people who only give us one-word responses. It is tiring to communicate with someone when you must hold up the entire conversation. Interesting people communicate! Don’t say, “I don’t know what to talk about”, because such a statement seems to infer that you live a very boring life. The words that we speak come from our hearts(Mark 7:20-23). If we can’t think of something to talk about, it means that we must be at the present living a very superficial and uneventful life. In contrast, every Christian should have a huge wealth of knowledge to share. For starters, Christian couples have the entire Bible to talk about and all the interesting and amazing things found therein. There are lessons that we have learned from the past, how being a Christian has changed our perspective, our own spiritual transformation, things that still confuse or bother us, things we do not understand, great discoveries in our own Bible study, people we need to have other, non-Christian friends we are trying to convert, events at work that have eternal significance, our personal goals, future plans, people we are trying to strengthen, and so on.

Thoughts or threats of divorce,

believing mate does not understand you,

not feeling respected by one’s spouse,

bored by relationship,

wondering what it would be like to be married to someone else.

May I suggest that “wondering what it would be like to be married to someone else” is a thought that needs to be taken captive by Christ (2 Corinthians 10:5). It is a selfish thought, and an uncaring thought, for we would be deeply hurt if our mate was secretly wishing they were married to someone else. It is a useless thought, for you do not have the spiritual or moral right to be married to someone else, when you are already married. It is also a naïve thought. In most cases, a new marriage partner does not improve anything, seeing that “you” are still in the marriage, and most marriage problems are not one sided. This is proven by the fact that the divorce rate for second and third marriages is higher than the divorce rate for first marriages.

Before we start thinking that our mate does not understand us, we need to ask ourselves if we are part of the problem. Do we genuinely communicate our concerns and needs with our spouse? Secondly, does God understand us? If you have a need that you don’t believe is being met, a good test of whether or not your mate understands you in that area, is to ask yourself, “In God’s eyes is this need legitimate?” Does God sympathize with you or would God tell you to stop feeling sorry for yourself? (Hebrews 12:4-6).

If you don’t feel respected by your spouse, are you respected by God? Is this lack of respect due to their spiritual insensitivity or your own spiritual weakness? God does command both men and women to honor and respect their spouses (Ephesians 5:33; 1 Peter 3:7). Concerning the complaint of being “bored” with the relationship, one needs to remember that it takes two people to form a relationship. I find that people who are working on their marriage are not bored; I find that people who entered marriage with the mature attitude that they are here to bring happiness to this person and help them make it to heaven, are not bored either. Yet I do find that people who entered marriage from an immature attitude of “I expect others to serve me” and “it is their job to make me happy” do end up bored—with any relationship. The answer for boredom is to come to terms with what God wants you to accomplish in a marriage (Ephesians 5:22-33). Christians in years past were right when they considered “boredom” a spiritual problem, for they noted boredom is a form of spiritual laziness, an ungrateful lack of interest in what God has ordained. How can anyone seriously be bored with a marriage, when marriage is a relationship instituted by God? How can one be bored with a relationship, when God will judge us on how we behaved ourselves in that relationship? How can one be bored with a mate, when the wrong attitude towards that mate can hinder our prayers? (1 Peter 3:7) Finally, may I suggest that the person who needs exciting, new, or ever changing circumstances and surroundings to escape boredom, has not matured to the point where they realize all the opportunities they have to serve God and others in everyday normal life. Spiritual maturity is the ability to say, “For I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances I am” (Philippians 4:11).

Being easily irritated by one’s spouse,

being impatient with one’s spouse,

finding it hard to forgive one’s spouse,

finding it difficult to think of compliments for one’s mate.

In contrast to all other views of life, Christianity does have an answer for someone who feels like the above. The answer is forgiveness. Even the apparently hopeless cases can be saved (Luke 15). The secret to forgiveness is to appreciate the forgiveness that you have received and treat this person the way that you would want to be treated (Matthew 7:12; 6:14-15). As long as we are holding on to a grudge or keeping score, we will remain easily irritated, impatient, and someone who just cannot see the good things that this person is doing. Some times people want to selfishly hold on to past mistakes so they can feel justified in holding on to their anger or so they can feel that they are the more righteous person in the relationship, when the truth is, all they are contributing to the relationship is bitterness. Such a person can deceive themselves into thinking that they are doing all the work in the relationship, when in reality, they have simply been angry for years and have not been doing constructive things.

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