Sunday Sermons
Parenting Tips - Part 5
Parenting Tips 5
Building a Healthy Family
“How blessed is everyone who fears the Lord, who walks in His ways. When you shall eat of the fruit of your hands, you will be happy and it will be well with you. Your wife shall be like a fruitful vine within your house, your children like olive plants around your table” (Psalm 128:1-3).
“The vine was a symbol of fruitfulness and festivity (Judges 9:13)” (Kidner p. 433). Consider the contrast between this woman and the promiscuous woman in Proverbs 7:11: She is loud and wayward, her feet do not stay at home. In this Psalm the attractiveness of this wife is wholly wrapped up in her faithfulness. The faithful man will enjoy the warmth of wife and family around his table when he eats the fruit of his labors. “This image does not mean simply that the wife will produce lots of children. Actually, in the Bible the vine with its grapes is a symbol of refreshment and lavish enjoyment. The psalm is promising that however hard the day-to-day work in the fields may be for a laboring man, to come home to a good wife is somewhat like coming home to harvest. It is time to forget the hard summer work and enjoy God’s bounty” (Boice p. 1128).
“Olive trees take a long time to mature and become profitable. Patiently cultivated, they become quite valuable and continue to produce a profitable crop for centuries longer perhaps than any other fruit-producing tree or plant. The interesting thing about these two images, vines and olive plants, is that they are biblical symbols of the abundant life. They are not food staples like wheat or corn. They symbolize rich blessing” (Boice p. 1128). “Though the olive tree may not bear after it has been planted for forty years, it is a symbol of longevity and productivity. So are children within the household of faith! They are not like grass, which is here today but is gone tomorrow. Rather, they are olive trees that in due time bear their fruit. The blessedness of the godly man will extend to other generations. What a privilege God bestows on His children in this life that we may already taste the first-fruits of our heritage!” (Gaebelein p. 796).
“Listen, O my people, to my instruction; incline your ears to the words of my mouth. I will open my mouth in a parable; I will utter dark sayings of old, which we have heard and known, and our fathers have told us. We will not conceal them from their children, but tell to the generation to come the praises of the Lord…And appointed a law in Israel, which He commanded our fathers that they should teach them to their children, that the generation to come might known, even the children yet to be born, that they may arise and tell them to their children, that they should put their confidence in God and not forget the works of God, but keep His commandments” (Psalm 78:1-7).
Interdependent or Independent Family?
“Interdependency should not be confused with the popular counseling term co-dependency. When problems arise in interdependent relationships, the issue is confronted, and each individual seeks to restore the whole. When problems arise in co-dependent relationships, fear and insecurity produce behavior that covers up the issue and functions around it. The interdependent family cultivates a sense of belonging, which leads to allegiance to one another and allegiance to the core values of the family. Children grow up with a ‘we-ism’ (Philippians 2:3-5) attitude regarding their family, rather than the selfish ‘me-ism’ attitude that leads to lonely independence. In contrast, an independent family structure means to be free from influence, guidance, or the control of another. Instead of all members looking toward one another, each member looks out, away from the center. Everyone is caught up in his own little world, doing his own independent thing. As a result, children turn to their peers more by default than by choice. There will always be better jobs, higher positions, deeper classes, more convenient gyms, and greater opportunities for self-growth and enrichment, but when parents no longer have time to fulfill their role as the primary moral influence over their children, the resulting vacuum will be filled with the voices of public institutions and their children’s peers” (Growing Kids God’s Way, pp. 254,255).
“Do not be deceived: ‘Bad company corrupts good morals’” (1 Corinthians 15:33); “Do you not know that a little leaven leavens the whole lump of dough?” (1 Corinthians 5:6); “Watch out and beware of the leaven of the Pharisees and Sadducees” (Matthew 16:6); “He who walks with wise men will be wise, but the companion of fools will suffer harm” (Proverbs 13:20).
We might term the last verse, education by friendship. “He who associates with fools will be left a fool”. The point must not be missed: Examine who is influencing you, and pick your associations carefully. “Tell me your companions, and I will tell you what you are” (P.P. Comm. p. 254). We have the English proverb, “He that lies down with the dogs shall rise up with fleas”. Are your friends the type of people you want to become? In addition, our companion can also be a book or a television program. A good way of determining the character of the person you are considering dating, is to look at the people they admire.
“You cannot expect family harmony when other people are socializing your kids with their values. The stronger the outside influences in the early years, the greater the potential division in the teen years. Who is raising your child? Here is a little test you can take to help determine what type of family you are and who has the greatest influence on your child. 1. Excluding yourself and your spouse, list all the people who spend at least one hour with your child during the course of a week. 2. Next to their names, place the total hours per week they spend with your child. 3. Next, count the number of people you have listed who have standards and values that differ from your own. 4. Now count the number of hours they spend with your child weekly. In relation to your child and his influences what type of family are you?” (p. 255).
“My son, if sinners entice you, do not consent” (Proverbs 1:10); “How blessed is the man who does not walk in the counsel of the wicked, nor stand in the path of sinners, nor sit in the seat of scoffers” (Psalm 1:1).
“Children who receive comfort and approval from the intimate and dependable relationships found in the interdependent family tend to look to those same or similar relationships as they move through adolescence. In contrast, a child who is weaned on outside influences and is dependent on peers for the satisfaction of basic social needs is more likely to grow up being sensitive to group pressures and disapproval. That is why ultimately peer pressure on a child is only as strong as family identify is weak”(p. 256). “When your child is ready to leave the nest, will he or she have fond memories of family interactions that anchor that child back to you?” (p. 257).
Things you can do right now
· Family reading times:
“Reading together is becoming a lost family art, yet it is one of the most pleasant activities that can be shared between parents and children of all ages” (p. 257).
· Allow your kids to plan a family night:
Leisure-time activities with our children is not a luxury, rather it is a necessity. Family night is a time when everyone in the family separates himself or herself from work or school and come together for family fun. When the children grow older they need to be given the chance to take ownership of this night and plan the family activity. “This ensures that your children do not end up with your left-over time” (p. 258).
· Let them participate in building family memories:
Many parents have been frustrated and discouraged by planning a family vacation that the children did not appreciate. Someone has suggested that in this area the kids need to be included in planning the next family trip. That includes letting them decide some of the particulars concerning the route, destination, stopping places and some of the special events along the way.
· Take walks together:
“We found that taking walks with our children one at a time brought about conversations we otherwise would not have had” (p. 259).
The Moral Community
“Iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another” (Proverbs 27:17). “The image here is striking; as knives are sharpened by other tools of steel, so scholars, artists or athletes can ‘sharpen’ each other by competition, the exchange of ideas, and constructive criticism” (Alden p. 192). “People must not shy away from interaction with their peers since it is an education in itself” (Garrett p. 220). No man is an island, and we do need good friends, the kind who will challenge us to do better, and motivate us towards good and noble qualities and goals. There are friends which sharpen our character, morals, and thinking and then there are people whom we seem to dull us into inaction, apathy or skepticism. Which friend are we? When we interact with people, do we muddy the water, or do we offer clarity? Do we bring in our wake moral confusion, or a definite direction and a moral compass?
Seeing that other people will influence your children it is vital that the people influencing your children have the same values you have. “Remember, the greater the disparity between the values of your family and your family community (from which you and your child will both draw your peers), the greater will be the source of conflict within the home. The opposite of this is also true; shared values between community and home result in positive peer pressure on your child” (p. 260). In the New Testament, that “moral community” especially includes the New Testament Church (Hebrews 10:24; Ephesians 4:11-13). Part of the task of parenting includes the responsibility to select good influences for your children, such as finding families to interact with who would only serve to reinforce what you are trying to teach your children.
The goal of parenting
Many parents today make the mistake of trying to be friends with their children. “They suspend the requirement of obedience in the early years in hopes of cashing in on the child’s friendship in the latter years” (p. 262). Friendship with our children is not the starting point of our parenting rather it is the goal of the entire parenting process, but before we can have a true and lasting friendship with our children, we need to pass through the stages of discipline, instruction, and training (Ephesians 6:4)
Mark Dunagan/Beaverton Church of Christ/503-644-9017
www.beavertonchurchofchrist.net/mdunagan@easystreet.com
