Sunday Sermons

Men and Mistakes

Mark Dunagan
07/10/05 - Sunday Morning

Men and Mistakes

In this lesson I want to examine a number of mistakes that women make in reference to the men that they are planning to marry and the men that they are already married to.

Getting involved with a man who has already abandoned a family

“We all want to believe our love is unique, even unparalleled in the universe, but the fact is, if his mother, sisters, and former wives could not make him a responsible person, you are not going to do so either. No matter how wonderful you may be, you cannot make a man more faithful than he has proven to be already” (Finding Mr. Right, Stephen Arterburn p. 166). “Where people go wrong is that they think they’re unique. I’m convinced of it. No one ever fell into adultery who didn’t think her illicit attraction for the paramour was a special case, the burden of unbearable destiny, a saga soaring high above—and not governed by the laws that apply to other mortals. No one ever loved like this, she thinks. No one ever found herself yoked with a like agony, or suffered such outrageous fortune” (“You were Available”, Andree Seu, World Magazine, 6-4-2005, p. 47). Consider for a moment the comment that we all want to believe that our love is unique, and therefore somehow makes the above situation right. In the past people have excused adultery or other immoral relationships with the statement, “How can it be wrong when it feels so right?” Yet they forget that it does not “feel right” for the wife and or children whom this man left (Malachi 2:14-16). Often we are told that each one of us is so “unique” yet the Bible reminds us that we are much like everyone else who has ever lived on this planet (James 5:17), and the temptations or trials that we face are not unique or new (1 Corinthians 10:13). We need a little humility to realize that Jesus Christ is truly the only “unique” (one of a kind) person that exists (John 1:18). “There is One who is unique—His accolades tumble out of the Bible: ‘The Holy One of Israel’ (Isaiah 1:4); ‘O Most High’ (Psalm 9:2); ‘The Lord our Righteousness’ (Jeremiah 23:6); ‘I Am Who I Am’ (Exodus 3:14)” (World Magazine 6-2-2005, p. 47). “Only a very sick girl would be attracted to a child-deserting, family-abandoning man. Anyone attracted to a characterless adulterer is in need of a total makeover from the soul outward. Only a foolish woman would ever mistake lust for love” (p. 161).

The affair—from an honest perspective

· Like Eve in the garden, Satan often persuades modern women, “Why shouldn’t you, even glorious you, be as grand as God?” (Genesis 3:5). Self-flattery is the culprit, “Look he is paying attention to me”. “Would it help you to see, o woman in adultery, just how interchangeable you are to him? You were available; that’s all” (World Magazine p. 47).

· “Know that men have affairs for reasons, not because you are their long sought mystical ‘other half’. Hello! These Romeos are not looking for more relationship; they’re looking to escape relationship—the gritty, time-consuming work of living with their own wives ‘in an understanding way’ (1 Peter 3:7). You, fun-time lover, are a feast at Le Bec Fin that he doesn’t have to clean up after” (p. 47).

Andree Seu further notes, “My 24-year-old daughter judges men by the look in their eyes. My 22-year-old son has a checklist of measurable attributes. Enough said? Every woman contemplating an affair should take a field trip to a men’s locker room. In that inner sanctum she would learn that affairs are not the same for him as for her. He is not the mystic she is. He is not wont, between furtive passionate episodes, to congregate with friends over latte’, there to sigh and dream and mewl. You will find him in undistracted concentration on the company’s quarterly financial report, studying the Eagles stats, and perfecting his golf swing. Knowledge by women of this fact alone should obviate more incidents of adultery than a hundred fire-and-brimstone sermons” (p. 47). Another writer put it this way, “Just in case you are not sure, let us list a couple of disadvantages of having a relationship with a married man. First of all, while gaining a man’s attention is flattering at first, a woman finds it difficult not to long for his undivided attention. The idea that he is committed, however insecurely, to his wife and not to you always wears thin. Holidays, birthdays, and special occasions will all take second place to those of his ‘real’ family” (Finding Mr. Right p. 161).

Marriage is not the place to make a political statement

“If you are determined to have a relationship with someone who is very different from you, at least do so with your eyes open. Do not pretend that you will not have any problems because your love is so special (for even two faithful Christians will have their share of problems—Colossians 3:19 “Husbands, love your wives and do not be embittered against them”; 1 Corinthians 13:4 “Love is patient… does not take into account a wrong suffered”. Face facts, ‘Opposites attract’ is a sentimental way of describing a potentially devastating mixture of conflicting personalities. Be sure to choose a man for who he is, not just to make a political statement” (p. 164).

Expecting God to fix everything

“Your integrity is not going to make him honorable if he isn’t. Your conscientiousness is not going to make him responsible if he is a bum. Your prayers are not going to make him into a spiritual dynamo is he is spiritually uninterested. God does answer prayer, but putting yourself in a position that demands God’s rescue is unwise. God wants you to grow, mature, and learn to discern (Hebrews 5:14) rather than plunge ahead and expect all to be fixed by a cosmic Butler who is waiting for you to ring your service bell. We are on dangerous ground if we think God owes us because we prayed or that we in our finite abilities can pray someone into being something he is not willing to become” (pp. 154-155). Remember, God did not “fix” Solomon’s wives, or Nabal the “fool”.

Failing to honor your husband’s pursuit of God

It is a mistake to discourage your husband from preaching, teaching, or striving for office of a deacon or elder. It is one thing to suggest that he needs to work on a couple of things or he needs more time before he considers himself qualified, yet it is another thing to actually discourage him from seeking such things. God reminds us that desiring the office of an elder is “a fine work” that one desires (1 Timothy 3:1). Wives can tend to forget that a husband has his own faith, rather than some kind of generic “family faith”, and part of living out his obedience to the gospel is going to include assuming various works and responsibilities. Part of living out his faith may include opening up your home for all sorts of studies with new people, or having people over often, or supporting Christians who are in need in various parts of the world.

Forgetting the importance of friendship

“The determining factor in whether wives feel satisfied with romance, and passion in their marriage, is, by 70 percent, the quality of the couple’s friendship. For men, the determining factor is, by the same 70 percent. So men and women come from the same planet after all---Friendship fuels the flames of romance because it offers the best protection against feeling adversarial toward your spouse” (The Most Important Year in a Woman’s Life, Susan Devries and Bobbie Wolgemuth p. 78). “This is my lover, this my friend” (Song of Songs 5:16). “No word touches the heart of a wife so much as the word ‘friend’. She wants to believe that her husband is her best friend. She wants his counsel and encouragement. She needs to know what he thinks about what she says, feels, and does” (Hocking p. 140). The world assumes that couples cannot help speaking to their spouses with disrespect and unkindness, but this assumption forgets that marriage was designed to be the closest of all human relationships. Only husbands and wives are said to become “one flesh” (Ephesians 5:31), in the truest sense of the phrase. Friends find the time to be together. Friends love to talk and communicate. Friends pay attention when the other friend is talking, and friends protect their friendship; they refuse to let anything divide them. Women and men often forget that the person they marry will not only have a profound impact upon their legacy (that is, their children and grandchildren), but equally, a tremendous impact upon themselves. The person we choose to marry will influence our character and personality. We have all seen some of the most fiercely independent men altered (to their detriment) by a poor choice of a mate (1 Kings 11; Deuteronomy 7).

The man who does not treat you like a princess

Our modern culture may scoff at the above comment, but there is biblical support behind it. “But one who is married is concerned about the things of the world, how he may please his wife” (1 Corinthians 7:33); “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her” (Ephesians 5:25); “nourishes and cherishes” (5:29). A wife is not something to be collected, like a career or house; neither is she a means to an end, to have a clean house, children, and a convenient lover. Jesus does not view the church as such. He was willing to sacrifice all for her. In like manner, one is not ready to marry until they find the woman that they are prepared to give all for.

How to ruin Mr. Right

· Expect him to be perfect.

· Wait on him as if he is helpless.

· Reject him if he does not measure up to your father.

· Always agree with him.

· Constantly criticize him.

· Smother and worship him.

· Order him around.

· Never hold him accountable. Why do some men get away with bad behavior? Because women put up with it.

· When the kids come along, get preoccupied, and obsessed with them to the neglect of him.

· Cease to grow and change with him.

· Expect him to always make more money this year than last year.

· Laugh when he is weak or vulnerable.

· Forget to pray for him every day.

Mark Dunagan/Beaverton Church of Christ/503-644-9017