Love and Hate

Mark Dunagan
07/06/08 - Sunday Morning

Many have seen the bumper-sticker that reads, "Hate is not a family value", and many people have been taught or told that hate is wrong. Actually, the Bible teaches that "hate" is as necessary as "love". Yes, these qualities can be perverted, yet both are essential values. In fact, even people who claim that they "do not hate", actually do. The key is not getting rid of hate but of learning "to hate the right things well" (Nine Things a Leader Must Do, Dr. Henry Cloud, p. 73). Love could be defined as what we "invest in, go for, move toward, give time and resources to, and orient ourselves toward with the best parts of who we are" (p. 75). And in like manner, hate is defined as what we move against. "For example, if we hate duplicity, then we want to be different from duplicity. So we move toward being the opposite, which is a move toward being open and honest. Thus, character is in part formed by what we hate, because we move to be different from whatever that is" (p. 77). We see this not only in ourselves, but in God as well. God's character is seen in not only what He loves, but also in what He hates:

"Haughty eyes, a lying tongue, hands that shed innocent blood, a heart that devises wicked plans, feet that run rapidly to evil, a false witness who utters lies, and one who spreads strife among brothers" (Proverbs 6:16-19).

Thus one of the positive results of hating the right things is that it makes us dependable. People know where we stand, what we will and what we will not do under any situation. I can only be truly trustworthy when I am hating the right things.

Hate and Health

God designed the strong emotion known as hate to act as an immune system not only for our body but for our soul as well. Paul noted, "Abhor what is evil; cling to what is good" (Romans 12:9). This also infers that this strong emotion needs to be educated. Dr. Cloud notes that destructive hate is subjective rather than objective. It is "a pool of feelings and attitudes that resides in our soul, waiting for expression. It is not directed at anything specific or caused on any given day by any specific object. It is already there, sort of like an infection of the soul" (p. 80). Solomon noted, "Do not be eager in your heart to be angry, for anger resides in the bosom of fools" (Ecclesiastes 7:9). Such a subjective hatred tends to explode, blasts other people, causes overreactions, dissensions, and the inability to resolve conflict. The temptation is to blame others for our outbursts of anger, yet the Bible clearly labels certain individuals as being "angry", "Do not associate with a man given to anger; or go with a hot-tempered man, lest you learn his ways" (Proverbs 22:24). The Bible also speaks of angry women (Proverbs 21:19 KJV), and how unpleasant it is to live with one.

Constructive Anger is Specific

"Find the sources of your subjective hatred and make them objective. Put names and faces to the origins of your problematic feelings and attitudes. For example, if you have been hurt by an unreasonable boss in the past, do you feel subjective hate toward everyone in authority over you? Make that anger and hurt objective to the one person and offense that hurt you and do not generalize" (p. 82).

Constructive Anger is Mingled with Love

David said, "From Thy precepts I get understanding; therefore I hate every false way" (Psalm 119:104), yet at the same time he was willing to make an attempt to reach people who were in those false ways, "Then I will teach transgressors Thy ways" (Psalm 51:13). This mix will enable us to take the necessary tough stands on various issues and remain kind in the process (2 Timothy 2:24-26). We actually see the same attitude in God. He will not compromise truth or moral issues (Galatians 5:19-21), yet He desires all men to repent and be saved (1 Timothy 2:4,6).

We Always Respond

Some people try dealing with anger by simply stuffing it inside and not responding, yet this unrealistic and impractical. First, everyone responds! Sooner or later you are going to say something or take your frustrations out on someone or something, even if it is acting aloof or being silent - that is still a reaction. God wants us to respond and do so in constructive and practical ways, "Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you" (Luke 6:28). Remember, turning the other cheek is not the same thing as a non-response or just being a victim and just taking it. Turning the other cheek is a refusal to take revenge - and a determination to do something constructive instead. Therefore hate in ways that solve the problem. If I hate the fact that I am not talking to people about the gospel - then I need to come up with a solution.

Love not Fairness

We often equate "fairness" with love but being "fair" is actually a value below love. This might be a difficult idea to grasp, but consider the following passages:

• "For if you love those who love you, what reward have you? Do not even the tax-gatherers do the same? And if you greet your brothers only, what do you do more than others? Do not even the Gentiles do the same?" (Matthew 5:46-47). Loving those who love us already is "fair"; yet loving an enemy is "love".

• "But love your enemies, and do good, and lend, expecting nothing in return" (Luke 6:35). One reason we have such a problem with verses like this is that they go against our idea of "fairness", that is, why should I do something good to someone who doesn't "deserve it". And yet when we do so we become more Christ-like.

• "Never pay back evil for evil to anyone" (Romans 12:17). Yet, "paybacks" are fair. Some argue "He hit me so I hit him - that's fair". And it is fair, yet God requires far more of us than merely being "fair".

The Short-Comings of Fairness

The most obvious example of the weakness of "fairness" as the overriding principle in life is that Jesus would have never come and died for our sins if God was merely "fair". What moved Jesus to come and die for us was not fairness, but rather mercy and love (Romans 5:8). Dr. Cloud notes how the standard of "fairness" can undermine relationships: "My potential partner was not a bad person. He was like most people we run into on a daily basis. They are fair as long as they are being treated fairly. They are loving as long as they are being loved. Playing fair works well - for a while. The fault of fairness is that all it takes for any relationship to go sour is for one person not to perform, and then the other one will do the same. There is an interlocking dependency: The other person must be good so I can be good. But because no one ever performs perfectly, all it takes to drag a relationship down is one failure. See if these examples sound familiar:

• One person is a little withdrawn, so the other feels abandoned and gives the silent treatment.

• One person is a little sarcastic, so the other one is sarcastic back.

• One person feels a bit angry, so the other one snaps back.

This is one reason people are amazed when "good people" cannot seem to get along in business, in a congregation or in a marriage. How often have you thought, "They are such good people; how could that have happened?" Well the truth is that "fair" does not work, so "good people" fail at relationships every day. So here is a warning. If you are going to enter into any relationship, including marriage, with the attitude, "I'll treat you well or kindly as long as you treat me well", then that relationship is doomed.

Beyond Fairness: "Therefore, however you want people to treat you, so treat them" (Matthew 7:12).

Practical Steps

• If I make a mistake, I want you to help me, not get back at me. If I fail, that's when I need you to do better, not worse.

• If you wrong me, I will let you know that there is a problem. Then I will work with you in solving the problem in a way that treats you better than you treated me.

• I will give back more than I am given.

• I have the power to alter the situation (Proverbs 15:1). I can do or say something that may end the gridlock in the relationship.

• The mature person in the relationship must always ask, "How can I turn this around? How can I help? What does this person need? What could get him or her to a better place?"

• I need to get past my own immediate needs. As Jesus said, "I must be willing to lose my life in order to gain it" (Matthew 16:25). I am making a serious mistake and I will only damage my relationships if I demand "life" at the outset of any situation. "The high road that leads to a payoff is always the one that begins with the sacrifice of setting one's own needs aside. That may not be fair, but it's true" (p. 93).

• I can either come down to a person's level and repay evil with evil or I can attempt to bring them up to my level by repaying evil with good.

• I am not perfect myself so I must get over and beyond what others have done to me - what really matters is what I have done to God. I need to be far more preoccupied with my own sins than the sins of others.