Sunday Sermons
Confident Boys
“Boys are in the news as having a hard time at the moment. They seem to be struggling, finding it harder and harder to succeed, conform and find a comfortable role in life. Statistics tell us that boys experience more behavioral problems; get involved in more crime and at a younger age; are losing the academic edge…and demonstrate their despair in significantly higher suicide rates than girls. Social, economic and even educational changes seem to be undermining their essential manhood, and some see the future as promising little but constant pressure or failure, or both. Their self-esteem and motivation appear to be at rock bottom. However, many boys continue to do exceptionally well… Boys are half our future. Given the changes taking place in society, particularly in employment and the family, growing boys will naturally feel confused and uncertain about the future. For instance, what does fatherhood mean? How important are commitment and marriage? How should they manage their sometimes contradictory feelings of sadness, anger, tenderness, competitiveness and protectiveness?” (Raising Confident Boys, Elizabeth Hartley-Brewer, pp. 5,6).
While many boys are having a hard time in the current culture, throughout the ages growing up and learning what it means to be a man has always been a challenge. As I read the book of Proverbs, Solomon was obviously very concerned about the choices his son would make (Proverbs 1:8) because Solomon’s world was filled with boys who took the wrong path (1:10; 2:12-13 “Those who leave the paths of uprightness”; 4:14).
As I read the Bible I am encouraged that it has always been possible to raise boys in a way in which they turn out to be godly men — confident yet not arrogant, and fully trusting in God:
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Peter and John had an observable confidence (Acts 4:13)
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Every day, early Christians confidently kept right on teaching and preaching Jesus as the Christ both in the temple and from house to house (Acts 5:42)
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Paul and Barnabas spoke out boldly (Acts 13:46)
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Apollos powerfully refuted the Jews in public, demonstrating by the Scriptures that Jesus was the Christ (Acts 18:28)
“…God has not given us a spirit of timidity, but of power and love and discipline” (2 Timothy 1:7) -
Paul confidently asserted he was “not ashamed; for I know whom I have believed and I am convinced that He is able to guard what I have entrusted to Him until that day” (2 Timothy 1:12)
The Confidence Booster
There are many areas in which we can praise our boys and daughters. They can be praised for their thinking skills, choices, ideas, ability to solve problems, or social skills such as helpfulness, understanding, sharing and resolving conflicts, or their physical efforts, such as being a diligent worker. It is best to be specific when we praise our children. Yet in all these areas our sons and daughters will also fail from time to time, or in other words, no matter how good they are at something, that particular skill will at some time in their life result in failure. The good news is that God has given us something far more solid in which to place our confidence. Often it is said that the righteous have access to “boldness”, yet this boldness is not over-confidence or just a mere “front” (Proverbs 21:29 “The wicked man shows a bold face”):
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“Thou didst make me bold with strength in my soul” (Psalm 138:3).
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“The wicked flee when no one is pursuing, but the righteous are bold as a lion” (Proverbs 28:1).
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“Lord, take note of their threats, and grant that Thy bond-servants may speak Thy word with all confidence” (Acts 4:29).
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“…he was with them moving about freely in Jerusalem, speaking boldly in the name of the Lord” (Acts 9:28).
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“…they spent a long time there speaking boldly with reliance upon the Lord” (Acts 14:3).
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“…he entered the synagogue and continued speaking out boldly for three months, reasoning and persuading them about the kingdom of God” (Acts 19:8).
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“…pray on my behalf, that utterance may be given to me in the opening of my mouth, to make known with boldness the mystery of the gospel” (Ephesians 6:19).
It can be liberating for any boy or man to hear that his confidence does not inherently reside in his skill or abilities, rather that such godly boldness resides in his relationship with God and the fact that he has access to God’s truth that is sure and always right. I can second guess my abilities at times, but I will not second-guess God’s wisdom or the fact that He loves me and knows that I can understand His will and live a godly life. As long as one knows that they are on His side they can boldly say, “I can do all things through Him who strengthens me” (Philippians 4:13), or, “If God is for us, who is against us?” (Romans 8:31)
Practical Applications
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What we are attempting to avoid
Among other things, there are three dangerous ingredients that we want to keep out of our children’s lives: Isolation, Insecurity and Insignificance. These three together are a deadly combination, and Christians recognize Satan behind each one of them, especially the first one. The devil’s goal is to isolate us from God (Isaiah 59:1-2), and then from those who truly love us and are willing to rally round us.
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What we are attempting to accomplish
In parenting we want to give our kids the knowledge, tools and character with which they can strengthen themselves after setbacks. We want to give them “resilience”. The good news is that God has given us everything we need to “regenerate” ourselves (John 3:5; James 1:18). If we find ourselves isolated, Scripture gives us the incentives and knowledge we need to break that isolation. In addition, the Bible clearly tells us we are very significant (Genesis 1:26; Psalm 8; John 3:16), and that in God we have all the security anyone could ever want (1 Samuel 2:2; 2 Samuel 22:3; Psalm 18:2). “So that we confidently say, ‘The Lord is my helper, I will not be afraid. What shall man do to me?” (Hebrews 13:6). In fact, Scripture says about itself, “All Scripture is inspired by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, for training in righteousness; that the man of God may be adequate, equipped for every good work” (2 Timothy 3:16-17). God is saying that His revelation to us answers our fear of insecurity. We can be very capable with His word.
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They need Love
Avoid thinking, “I did not have a Father who expressed love to me, therefore my son will survive without it”. “Those who ‘don’t get’ can turn this into ‘don’t need’ to hide sadness” (Raising Confident Boys p. 11). If God loved the “world” and I am included in that world, then God must believe I need love just as much as anyone else.
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They need your Presence
“Presents are no substitute for presence” (Raising Confident Boys p. 19). When spending time with your child encourage reflection on the events of the day or the week. Help him see the big picture and how his future will be the sum total of all his little choices.
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Talk with Touch and Words
Give them hugs, pats on the back and other forms of affection when speaking with them. Keep communicating even if you have to hold up most of the conversation.
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Explain your Decisions
Keep him informed about upcoming family plans or changes in routine. Explain your decisions that affect him and the reasons for those decisions.
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Be a place of Refuge
Being a place of safety means he can always talk with you, find forgiveness, and be safe — and his secrets are safe with you. Understand his worries and take his concerns seriously.
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Encourage Tender Qualities
Be a model of kindness and gentleness. Help him to see how one should treat a woman (1 Peter 3:7). Be an example of forgiveness and mercy.
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Tell him his Story
“Get out family photos from time to time. Talk about the people and events shown in them” (Raising Confident Boys p. 47). Let him see the vital role that he presently fills in the family and the even bigger role he will be playing in the future. Most importantly, tell him how he fits into God’s story of redemption, and where his talents are needed in the Kingdom of God.
