Paassive Men

Mark Dunagan
04/01/12 - Sunday Morning

Passive Men

Psychiatrist Pierre Mornell observed that an increasing number of couples who came to his practice shared a common denominator:  The man in the relationship was active, articulate, energetic and usually successful in his work, nevertheless at home this same man became inactive, inarticulate, lethargic and withdrawn.  On the Internet you will find all sorts of articles, written by both religious people and complete unbelievers that lament the same problem.  For example when it comes to dating, both Christian and non-Christian single women indicate how passive men have become. 

There are a number of factors that can sneak up on a Christian man and result in him becoming too passive. It looks like even Timothy had to be on his guard against becoming yet another passive man:  2 Timothy 1:7 “For God has not given us a spirit of timidity, but of power and love and discipline”.

• One problem for some men is misunderstanding what Jesus meant when He said such things as “turn the other cheek” (Matthew 5:39).  This was never intended to mean that we are to become a doormat or punching bag for the world.  The same Bible tells us to be very vocal in our exposure evil (Ephesians 5:11).  The verse simply means that we must never take personal revenge (5:38).
• Another misconception is that since Jesus is pictured as “meek and gentle” and was speechless before His accusers, Christian men are expected to be passive.  Yet this completely misses all the times that Jesus was very vocal (Matthew 23:13), and the occasions when He forcefully exerted Himself (John 2:13-16). His silence at this moment had nothing to do with fear or apathy, but had everything to do with courage and self-sacrifice.
• Some have also claimed that while Jesus exposed false teachers and sin, He alone could do so, seeing that He was divine, while we, with our human limitations, cannot. This is false.  We are called upon to expose evil (Ephesians 5:11; 2 Corinthians 10:5; Titus 1:11).
• There is equally a tendency to over-compensate.  Since we too often observe obnoxious, over-confident and arrogant men who bully their families, in our disgust, we may move too far in the direction of passivity. 

Christian men need to understand is that arrogance is false boldness (Proverbs 21:29; 2 Corinthians 10:12).  Men who appear over-confident are bold about the wrong things.  All the boldness is focused on themselves, thus they are often bold with their opinions, strengths, personal goals, and so on, and yet as Christian men, we are called upon to be bold, not about our own abilities, opinions or attributes, but rather we are called to be bold with regard to the gospel— God’s truth (Ephesians 6:20; 1 Thessalonians 2:2).  We do not push ourselves into the lime-light, rather we push God’s truth to the center stage.

 “But isn’t a Christian man supposed to be a nice-guy?  What is wrong with being a nice-guy?”  But what does it really mean to be a “nice-guy”?   Allow me to quote from one woman’s blog on this point:

“I want to start with the strengths of a passive/nice man.  First of all, he is a peacekeeper.  He is a nurturer, and he is a protector.  He wants all those around him to feel valued and honored, and he cares deeply for those he is close to.  He gets along well with many different personalities, and he is not intimidated by the strength or intensity of a woman.  In fact, he is drawn to a woman like that.  However, until he has found his identity and knows he is a powerful man, here are constraints you will run into; because is a peacekeeper, he will most often sacrifice taking action when someone has been inappropriate or crossed a boundary.  People will take advantage of him.  Passive men that are high nurturers can sometimes end up protecting the wrong things.  They will protect dysfunction and keep cycles of unhealthy behavior running for years” http://nicolesthoughtsandmore.blogspot.com/2010/08/passive-men-pushy-women.html

The Excuses Men Make

In our modern culture, it is very easy for a man to simply opt for an excuse and opt out.

• Never believe anyone who says, “There is no place in America for a real man today”.  This couldn't be more false. Our families, churches and country need strong male leaders now more than ever.
• Another myth: “There are too many restrictions on what a man can do. Our hands are tied.”  This is the complaint that in the old days men could use their fists and get things done with physical force and lead.  In the old days you still paid the consequences if you hurt or killed someone.  The truth is that there are far more productive ways of being bold without being physically violent.  Preaching the truth without apology is one of them (Acts 13:46; 14:3; 18:26; 19:8).  Having uncomfortable conversations for the good of the hearer is another. Writing editorials, tactfully and articulately speaking up in social situations for what is right is also a sign of valiant manhood.

It has been my experience that one reason why some Christian men are not as bold as they should be is because they have not invested the time and effort into really getting it straight concerning what the Bible teaches and why they believe it.  It is hard to be bold in the right direction and in the right way when you don’t really know what you believe or why you believe it.  We do need more men, especially younger men, who are well versed in the Scriptures (Ezra 7:10; 2 Timothy 2:15) so they can skillfully wield the sword for the good of the next generation.

In Marriage

 Ever hear a man contend, “My wife complains that I am too passive, but every time I try to exert myself, she doesn’t like it”. 

Which areas you are seeking to exert yourself?  Most women I know gladly appreciate a man who exerts himself as a spiritual leader.  Admittedly, some women have a hard time giving up the control they have gained.  Some may have come from a background that involved oppressive and foolish leadership by a father.  Others may have been so forced to take control of a family, finances, training of the children, and so on— because of a passive man, that they are hesitant to trust him again when he wants back in the drivers-seat.  Some women only see two views, that is, either be controlled, or be in control.  Nevertheless there is still another choice, God’s choice, of a loving cooperation and being helpful to a man who is doing his best to lead (Ephesians 5:22ff).  Finally, a man should never regret marrying a strong woman.  God’s woman is always pictured as strong (Proverbs 31:10ff) and fearless (1 Peter 3:6).  Marrying a bright, spiritual, dynamic, intelligent and strong woman is a good move that will benefit you every day of your life.  Yet remember, that choice will require something of us men.  As one preacher said, “If you buy a Ferrari, you better know how to drive it and take care of it”.

The Silent Martyr

Then there is the common temptation to think that simply avoiding the issue, remaining silent, no communicating, or just being a martyr is far easier than the discomforts of a confrontation.

Yet this is only true in the very, very short term.  Silence never makes anything better, but rather will always lead to further frustration for all parties involved.  No man really wants to eventually look back on his life and see a picture of an ostrich with its head in the sand, and say, “that was my life”. Pray for wisdom, and deal with the challenges before you head on, so that you'll have few regrets.

Practical Help

• I must avoid being quarrelsome (2 Timothy 2:24).  This means that I cannot get out of control and make wild assertions or arguments that have no basis in reality.  Yet I am expected to press the truth firmly home (2:25 “correcting”).
• I am not allowed to take personal vengeance on evil. Yet, I must confront it (Ephesians 5:11).
• I must remain sensitive over the fate of lost souls (Philippians 3:18), and at the same moment expose and withdraw fellowship from false teachers (2 Timothy 2:17).
• I want to be at peace with all men, but I cannot be at peace with evil (Galatians 2:5).
• Protecting the souls of my family is top priority, and certainly far more important than protecting the feelings of those in sin.
• I must defend the truth (Philippians 1:16), which means I cannot defend relatives, good friends, or family members I love when they are at odds with the truth (Galatians 2:11-13). Doing so would do them a disservice anyway.

Mark Dunagan | mdunagan@frontier.com
Beaverton Church of Christ | 503-644-9017
www.beavertonchurchofchrist.net