Getting Hitched

Sunday Sermons

Mark Dunagan
08/12/12 - Sunday Morning

Getting Hitched

“It seems that getting married is getting harder to do, or at least harder to commit to. In 1965, the median age at first marriage was 22.8 for men and 20.6 for women. By 2002, a little more than a generation later, the median age for marriage rose to 26.9 for men and 25.3 for women. Delayed marriage occurs for numerous reasons: longer life spans, the drive for more education, transient lifestyles among the youth, greater discretionary income, a desire for more experiences before marriage” (Just Do Something, Kevin DeYoung p. 104).

People in the world often complain about not being able to “find the one” yet the world itself has in many ways created a culture of delayed marriage. With the acceptance of living together relationships, motivation that once existed to either stay single or commit is now gone. The general consensus now is that one can stay single and have some of the benefits of marriage at the same time.

Getting Married for Christians

A common question, even among Christian singles, is “how do I know when I have found that special person?”

Search the Scriptures

Now first, let me clarify what I do not mean. I do not mean that you will find a passage that tells you to marry someone named “Bill” or “Jane”, neither will you find a verse that tells you where the special someone lives. The Bible will not tell you specifically which faithful Christian to marry, but it will narrow down the field and help you make a wise decision. In searching the Scriptures will we learn:

Those planning to marry had best evaluate their maturity level. Are you even ready for marriage? There are Christians who are looking for a mate long before they are even mature enough to marry. Marriage requires communication, respect (1 Peter 3:7), unselfishness, sacrifice (Ephesians 5:25), and a willingness to become one.
The commitment level expected in marriage is for life. Divorce is only an option in one very specific situation (Matthew 19:9), and in all other cases, God hates it (Malachi 2:16).
Who is not eligible to marry? Christ's instructions on the matter can be a shocker to the world, but according to Jesus, one can lose the right to be married again. For example, the man or woman who divorces their mate (no infidelity happened on the part of the person they are divorcing) and when they remarry they are in adultery (Matthew 19:9). There is likewise no authority for the person put away for adultery to remarry. So one cannot marry a person who went through a divorce that did not harmonize with Jesus’ exception rule.
Marrying someone who is not a faithful Christian is not a good idea. There are too many precedents in the Old Testament when God’s people married non-Jewish people and the result was not God (Ezra, Nehemiah 13). One should certainly not marry a person who is seeking to pull you away from God, for we should always love God more (2 Corinthians 6:14). I know that someone might say at this point, “But I know someone who married a non-Christian and it worked out”. Yes, those marriages do work out sometimes, but the goal in selecting a mate is not to play against the odds that it might just work out. My spiritual future and the spiritual lives of my future Children is not worth the gamble.
Can you afford to marry? The Bible expects a man to provide for his own (1 Timothy 5:8).
Are you really marrying because you are prepared to love this person or are you in love with a feeling that seems like love? Read 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 and honestly ask yourself if you are prepared to treat this person like those verses command. Are you prepared to love or are you in love with love?
Do not downplay studying the Bible on this topic. For the Bible presents a very clear picture of what a mature women looks like (Proverbs 31:10ff), as well as a mature man (Ephesians 5:22ff). We are not left to wonder, “What should I be looking for in a wife or husband?” Or, “What does a young lady or man look like when they are ready to marry?” Maybe reconsider the list you have made up—and opt for God’s list.

Ask for Wise Counsel

When you are dating someone, ask people who are faithful Christians in whom you have confidence, some of the following questions:

“Do you think this marriage makes sense?”
“Do they see you growing spiritually and reaching your potential in this relationship?”
“Do they see your fiancé honoring you and treating you with respect?”
“Do they think that this man will nourish and protect you?”
“What do your parents think?”

Pray

Allow me to clarify a number of points here as well. While those single should always pray to find a godly spouse, I am not suggesting praying that God would send you some sort of sign, hunch or feeling. Rather, I am talking about the praying we often forget, praying that seeks to penetrate, not into the future, but into our motives and hearts.

We need to examine and pray about our motivation for wanting to marry. Are we simply tired of being single and lonely? Do we see our friends marrying and do not want to be left behind? Are we desperate to get out of the house and away from our parents? Are we mainly wanting to satisfy our sexual desires? Are we trying to spite an ex-flame or prove to the world that we are desirable?
So pray to God that you would avoid making a choice based on peer pressure, fear, your feelings or your hormones.

Look at Ourselves

When we are dating it is so easy to spend so much time looking at those of the opposite sex that we fail to look at ourselves. “Pray less that God would show you who is the right husband and pray more to be the right kind of husband or wife. If everyone was praying to be the right spouse, it would not matter nearly so much who is the ‘right’ spouse. Dump your list of the seventeen things you need in a wife and make yourself a list of seventeen things you need to be as a husband” (Just Do Something, p. 106).

Examine This

Do you have your own faith or are you attending services because your parents expect you to? Kindle a healthy spiritual dependence only upon God.
How do you handle criticism or when people do not agree with a decision you are going to make? Do you realize such is an opportunity to grow?
Are you unselfish with your time? Or do you get grumpy when you have to take time out of your day to do something for someone else?
Are you unselfish with your money or do you spend it all on yourself?
When you are dating this person—are you still looking at or thinking about other girls or boys?
Are you presently behaving more like someone who is 18 or 30?

Unnecessarily Delaying Marriage

There are definitely people who are not ready for marriage in terms of maturity, financially or spirituality. Yet one writer wisely noted that all indications point to the fact that men in our culture are dragging their feet more frequently in our time. So consider this:

You can waste a lot of money on yourself when you delay. You can actually put yourself behind economically.
You can become self-centered and have too much time and not enough responsibility.
It can create problems with lust.

Mark Dunagan/Beaverton Church of Christ/503-644-9017