Love and Manners

Mark Dunagan
12/23/12 - Sunday Morning

Love and Manners

Before one reads the definition of love that continues in 1 Corinthians 13:5 one has already learned that love is patient, kind, not jealous, nor arrogant, and then in verse 5 we further learn that love is unselfish and forgiving, all very important concepts that play into the loveliness of good manners in a relationship, or as God puts it, “love does not act unbecomingly” (NASV), or, “love is not rude”.  It is easy to think that after years of marriage this aspect of love isn’t really that important.  Typically, most people would not place ‘”rudeness” on the same level as jealousy or selfishness.  In fact, is it very easy to ignore our own rudeness or downplay it.  So why is this a big deal to God?

No Double Standard Here

For most of my life I have repeatedly seen people who are very rude to their mates or parents, and yet are entirely nice to other friends or total strangers.  These words of God address that double-standard and essentially says, “stop it”.  We are to be as considerate of our parents or spouses as we are to neighbors or co-workers. We are to treat our beloved like company, even when we've been married for decades.

Really Living for Christ

There are a number of familiar passages that stress denying ourselves and instead living for Jesus. The ability to deny self from time to time is essential for a healthy marriage:

• “And he who does not take his own cross and follow after Me is not worthy of Me” (Matthew 10:38).
• “And He died for all, that they who live should no longer live for themselves, but for Him who died and rose again on their behalf” (2 Corinthians 5:15).
• “I have been crucified with Christ; and it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me, and delivered Himself up for me” (Galatians 2:20).

It is so easy to read these passages, say we agree with them, think we are practicing them, and yet in reality be violating them.  I think sometimes we say to ourselves, “Okay, living for Christ is abstaining from the obvious sins, like adultery, theft, drunkenness, etc…”  And this is true, but living for Christ is far more than just abstaining from a certain list of sins.  Paul said that no longer living for self, means that “Christ lives in me”.  People have tried to capture this concept by saying such things as, “What would Jesus do?”  But we really don’t have to wonder in most cases what Jesus would do.  Any time we know what Jesus would do, and we stubbornly say to ourselves, “No, I am going to behave just as I have done so many other times, we are refusing to live for Christ”.    Jesus Himself does insist that in living for Him, we treat our loved ones in a specific manner.  For example:

• Wives are told to support and back up their husbands as Jesus would:  Ephesians 5:22
• Husbands are told to love and cherish their wives as Jesus would:  Ephesians 5:25
• Other passages stress loving, being kind and considerate, forgiving others—just as Jesus has already done for us:  Colossians 3:13

We are to strive to be a husband, just as Jesus would Himself be a husband if married to our wife, or strive to be a respectful and obedient child, just as Jesus would be if He were part of my family.

Driven By Love

What did Paul mean when God through him said, “For the love of Christ controls us” (2 Corinthians 5:14)? He meant that he and other Christians are to allow such love to mould them and control their behavior. 

• “When a man is driven by love, he intentionally behaves in a way that’s more pleasant for his wife to be around.  If she desires to love him, she purposefully avoids things that frustrate him or cause him discomfort” (The Love Dare, p. 21).  Do you want to be someone enjoyable to be with? When you focus on others and how your behavior affects them, you are willing to modify what you can tell annoys others? Such changes in even small areas create an atmosphere that says, “I really respect you and I value your company”.

We Can Change Quickly—When It Matters to Us

I am not impressed when people say they cannot change annoying habits or attitudes.  All of us have been in a poor mood, and then if there is a sudden phone call or knock on the door, we instantly put a smile on our face, because we don’t want to embarrass ourselves and have strangers see our poor attitude.  Surely if we can change a poor attitude this quickly, we can certainly do the same for our loved ones and family.  Rudeness typically only enters when we start taking the other person for granted and no longer care that they are in the audience when we are acting rather childishly.  Loving your wife, husband, parents, children or brethren includes continuing to honor them, respect them and treat them as if you are in the presence of “company”.  Or, in other words, “family” is not exempted from the requirement to treat other people in a manner one would like to be treated (Matthew 7:12).

Speaking of Rudeness and Annoying Habits

“Love is not provoked” (1 Corinthians 13:5).  I believe we are correct to say that love is not “easily” provoked, that is, love is not touchy, easily offended or irritable.  The word “irritable” means to be at the point of a knife, that is, someone who is always very near the point of being upset.  They are locked and loaded.  “Some people have the motto, ‘Never pass up an opportunity to get upset with your spouse’” (The Love Dare, p. 26).

• Love wants to be a joy to be around and not a jerk.
• Love wants to be a calming and enjoyable breeze rather than a storm always waiting to unleash its fury.
• Love is not interested in having a major reaction to a minor problem.
• Love is not just anxiously waiting a chance to get upset.
• Love is not looking for a justification to quit or opt out.
• If my first thought is routinely, “What about me?”— I will be someone who is continually on the edge of getting angry.
• Remember to share the inheritance!  Our mate is a fellow-heir, it is not all about us; we want them to receive all the good things promised to them as well.

“But I Am Under A lot of Stress”

Say, What? The man who wrote this letter went through far more stressful situations than any of us (2 Corinthians 11).   The stress that he encountered came from seeking to live a righteous live, often the stress that we deal with is the result of living in a prosperous country.  We can overwork, overplay and overspend.  In addition, there is no good reason why any of us needs to spend extra time living in a stress filled mindset. Why?

• We are allowed to pray through such anxieties rather than tackling them all by ourselves: (Philippians 4:6-7).
• We can eliminate a lot of the stress or drama that unbelievers experience because we are walking on the path of love in our relationships:  Colossians 3:12-14.
• We are given the privilege of regular times of worship that allow us to refocus, recharge and take a break.
• Jesus noted that out of the heart, the mouth speaks (Matthew 12:34).  So what comes out of us when we are stressed is the real us.  If we are like a lemon, then what is going to come out will be very sour. Let's determine that every word and action proceeding from us, be instead full of kindness and gentleness.

Mark Dunagan | mdunagan@frontier.com
Beaverton Church of Christ | 503-644-9017
www.beavertonchurchofchrist.net