Smart Couples

Mark Dunagan
10/05/14 - Sunday Morning

Smart Couples

If “The wise woman builds her house, but the foolish tears it down with her own hands” (Proverbs 14:1), what do wise husbands and wives do to build up their marriages and make family life the very best it can be?

Wise Priorities

“Charm is deceitful and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord, she shall be praised” (Proverbs 31:30). “But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you” (Matthew 6:33).

Wise couples keep God at the center of their relationship from beginning to end. They pray together, read and discuss scripture together and sacrifice time in service to others as needs arise. This also means that if they marry while still in college, they worship faithfully and are involved in a faithful congregation. God remains first when the baby comes, when the children are small, or when they are establishing a career or business going and when the kids are older and involved in various sports. The foolish tend to excuse themselves as being “too busy” — and deceiving themselves into thinking that one day when their schedule opens up a little more, they will put God first. Such thinking is reminiscent of a line in the song The Cat’s and the Cradle by Harry Chapin. “I don’t know when... but we will get together then son, you know we will have a good time then”. Of course, the “then” too often never seems to arrive, so daily let's communicate our love and dedication both to our Creator, as well as our families.

Wise Commitments

 “I’m always amused by this expression (‘I have to find myself’). First, there is the notion of being somewhere other than where you are (some kind of cosmic lost-and-found), then there is the idea that you can’t find yourself under the present circumstances of marriage and children. Truly, you find yourself in your commitments; you find yourself in the eyes of people who depend on you; you find yourself in your noble responses to life’s challenges; you find yourself in your actions and decisions; you find yourself right where you are now” (10 Stupid Things Couples Do To Mess Up Their Relationships,Schlessigner, pp. 262-263).

Wise couples use their time to honor their commitments. Couples building a stable life together by helping each other avoid making unwise financial commitments: Proverbs 6:1ff

Wise About Pride and Humility

“Before destruction the heart of man is haughty, but humility goes before honor” (Proverbs 18:12). “With all humility and gentleness, with patience, showing tolerance for one another in love” (Ephesians 4:2).

Wise couples are proud of their relationship, they are into “we” or “us” rather than “I”. Unwise couples seek to act like they are still single and available even when married. Wise couples feel blessed and lucky to have found each other. “As far as being an individual, when you marry you are not longer an individual. That’s why you are referred to as Mr. and Mrs. at the wedding ceremony. The people who have problems with losing their individuality were most likely insecure to start with. God said that the two should become as one. So, the answer is that you lose your individuality only to gain a new, and complete one” (Schlessinger, p. 71).

• They realize their own faults, are not defensive, but are confident enough to consider constructive advice about how to reach their fullest potential.
• Wise couples realize that their marriage is far more valuable than even work and hobbies, so they consciously seek to protect their marriage from the demands of other things. They also realize that their own hobbies are not “inalienable rights”, but that once married they need to make adjustments to make sure they have time for each other. 
• If a Christian husband or wife is tempted to think that their mate is boring, they should first look at themselves, for they are half of the relationship (Ephesians 5:31). Typically people who complain about being bored — have become rather limited in their interests and personal growth. It takes some imagination to continually add dimensions to your life and to, as a couple, continue to experience new and interesting things. Talk about it!

Wise when it comes to Submission and Power

• Godly husbands use their position of headship to serve, nourish and protect their wives: Ephesians 5:25-29
• The submission of godly wives is intelligent. They do not submit to ungodly or evil demands or requests. 
• Wise couples are both willing to accept responsibility for what needs work or improvement in their relationship. Neither one claims that all the fault or all the problems lie with the other partner — and neither do they weakly assume all to be their own fault.
• There are no selfish ultimatums in such relationships, and no one is worrying about losing power, control or some mysterious position of dominance. Instead, both partners put the interests of their spouse above their own and "outdo one another in showing honor" (Romans 12:10).

Privacy VS Secrecy

What's the difference? “Privacy is something you ‘give’ someone out of respect. Secrecy is something you ‘withhold’ from another”. Thus privacy is about honor, and secrecy is more about self. Privacy is based on love for others and secrecy is based upon a distorted love for self.  Paul said, “Laying aside falsehood, speak truth each one of with his neighbor” (Ephesians 5:25). Wise couples realize that speaking truth never means saying everything that crosses one's mind.

• Privacy involves not complaining about changes in a spouses body as they age, closing the bathroom door, and wisely biting one's tongue when having a discussion, and not bringing up things long forgiven. “...you should never tell your spouse that you are turned off because of receding hairlines, ripples in thighs, graying hair, extra pounds, and so forth. We all need to age gracefully and accept the aging and imperfections of our loved ones graciously” (10 Stupid Things Couples Do To Mess Up Their Relationships, Schlessinger, p. 43).
• On the other hand, secrecy would include such unwise things as hiding money, lying about my whereabouts or our financial condition, and in any way leading a double life. Thus, privacy honors one's spouse, while secrecy is self-interest at the expense of the truth and the welfare of others. Things that will impact both of you as a couple typically need to be shared. If you are not yet married, and know that some piece of information really matters to you, or if you absolutely must know various things about your fiancé's past, it is only fair to ask them about it before you marry.  

Wise Friendships

• Married couples realize that they can benefit from having friendships with other couples who are spiritually strong. Such couples realize that warnings against dangerous “friends” (1 Corinthians 15:33) equally apply after one is married.
• Christian men also realize that if their wife has a bad feeling about one of their “friends” her instinct in that area is often right. Most spiritual and godly women can pick up subtle cues of someone disingenuous.
• Friendships with the opposite sex exist, but married couples are careful to keep a respectful distance physically and emotionally. A married man or woman seeks to avoid being alone, especially in private, with someone from the opposite sex and does not confide more deeply with another soul than he does his wife.

Wise about Happiness

• Foolishness is demonstrated by opting for immediate gratification, while wisdom is in people who work first, play later, and when they play they enjoy those things of which God would approve (Ecclesiastes 11:8).
• Wise couples understand that happiness is found as a side effect of doing right, treating one another with respect, showing honor, being patient with each other, being kind with our words, working hard, and being willing to serve (Ephesians 5:21).
• Finally, wise couples understand that happiness will always be something that one needs to practice. The truth is that people unconsciously practice getting unhappy all the time. Dwelling on all one's own needs and wants, thinking about past grievances, overlooking one's own blessings, focusing on the things that have not gone right in life, and feeling sorry for oneself — are all part of practicing unhappiness and will rob you of the joy of today's unique blessings. Begin the habit of daily recalling your blessings and expressing that gratitude to God in prayer, and you will start to experience all the benefits of a much clearer perspective about how good you have it.

Mark Dunagan | mdunagan@frontier.net
Beaverton Church of Christ | 503-644-9017
www.beavertonchurchofchrist.net