Sunday Sermons
Healthy Relationships
Healthy Relationships
Years ago we were friends with a couple who had a relative that insisted that his underwear be washed separately from the undergarments worn by his wife. I'm as confused by that story as you likely are. Or another guy who banned pancake syrup from the house. Quirky? Ya. But I bet you've got quirks too. I know I do. And yet a couple can be quite happy and enjoy a healthy relationship— quirks and all. So what are some elements that compose happy, fulfilling relationships: just what do they look like day to day?” We need not guess, for we are blessed to have a Creator who has written wisdom to help us in this area as He has in all others (2 Peter 1:3; 2 Timothy 3:16-17). And what a blessing that our God is a God of freedom and abundance so that there are many areas of a relationship that the couple can customize so that both can experience high levels of satisfaction in life. Granted there will be generous give and take, but in the end, together you get to decide how you will educate your children, how you will spend you earnings, where you will live, and thousands of other big and little decisions. I suppose there is even some latitude as to whether or not the underwear will ride double—or solo— through the washing machine.
Romance: A Man in Pursuit
“Listen! My Beloved! Look! Here he comes, leaping across the mountains, bounding over the hills. My beloved is like a gazelle or a young stag. Look! There he stands behind our wall, gazing through the windows, peering through the lattice. My beloved spoke and said to me, ‘Arise my darling, my beautiful one, come with me. See! The winter is past; the rains are over and gone. Flowers appear on the earth; the season of singing has come, the cooing of the doves is heard in our land….Arise, come, my darling; my beautiful one, come with me” (Song of Solomon 2:8-13).
Here is the picture of a man in pursuit. Running, woo his beloved. It is Spring time, everything is in bloom and it is time to go out and enjoy the newly awoken world together. His words are kind and direct. She is his darling, she is beautiful to him. And he is calling her to come away and follow him.
“My dove in the clefts of the rock, in the hiding places on the mountainside, show me your face, let me hear your voice; for your voice is sweet, and your face is lovely” (Song of Solomon 2:14).
So the man is pictured as in pursuit, and is seeking to draw his woman into a safe, loving and caring relationship. He in no uncertain terms, sends the signal, “I am into you”. Obviously, in any healthy relationship this a two-way street. The young lady is also not passive. In the opening of the book she is says, “Take me away with you”. But in the big picture, the man in the Song of Solomon is the leader, even in the romance zone.
Leadership: The Whole Package
Short-sighted men may want to lead but only by way of giving orders or having others serve them, while mature men realize that male leadership has nothing to do with finding someone to cook, clean and iron your dress shirts. Yes, men were created first (1 Timothy 2:13ff), but what this really means for men is that they were designed to carry the responsibility to lead mostly through sacrifice and service, not to boss around or intimidate or other such foolishness, but to wake up and take responsibility, care for, listen to, love, sacrifice, serve, risk and take the lead in the realm of creating a healthy and romantic relationship. When the man leaves father and mother, he takes the risks involved in love, he boldly ventures.
It's scary being a man. I mean, you will likely at one time or another pursue a woman that will reject your advances. And such is not likely to be your only rejection in life. Man or woman, will likely face rejection occasionally as you pursue an education, career or other pursuits. You may face rejection at work, in friendships and as you attempt to share the gospel with others. So how do we cope with these setbacks without taking it so much to heart that it damages our self worth? By caring most of all about how your Creator feels about you. God loves us and values us more than we can even begin to understand (John 3:16), and really, from an eternal standpoint, what else matters? So take a chance on love. You can afford it. Be the man in pursuit, who says “Let us come away” for tending to your relationship, and be the woman responds, “Yes, let's”.
An Old Wives' Fable
As you age you will discover that the culture around you that claims to be so free and hip is really a bit pitiful in its backwardness. I find it ironic that our sex-crazed culture continues to perpetuate the myth and men are sex-crazed and that women on the other hand have no interest in the subject. I have heard countless worldly non-Christians express this view. Notice how the Bible has a far different perspective. Both the man and the woman who love God are running to meet one another.
“When Can We Start?”
Over the centuries young people in love have asked the repeated question, “What is the moral line when it comes to physical interaction between an unmarried man and unmarried woman?” Often it is stated as, “How far can we go?” The question itself shows the attitude of wanting to be as close to sin as possible rather than as close to God as possible. The real question should be, “When can we start?” The admonition by the Shulammite in the Song of Songs is very simple but so true, and is repeated not twice, but three times. It is her way of saying, “Listen! You really need to hear this”. “Daughters of Jerusalem ...Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires” (2:6-7).
Comer writes that , “Nothing does more to sabotage a relationship than porneia (sexual immorality). It is lethal to relationships”. Because:
- If you become one long before any covenant is made, such can keep incompatible people together who would have otherwise only dated once or for a couple of weeks. Typically such relationships end in regret and remorse.
- Sex prior to marriage obscures one's objective vision. Clear judgment goes out the window. We have all seen the girl dating the guy (or the other way around) who is a jerk, and all her friends are saying, ‘Are you crazy?’ You can do much better. Do not waste your life on him!’” (Loveology, John Mark Comer p. 136) and yet the girl or guy in love can be blissfully blind. If you marry, what do you have to build upon? The lifelong undertaking of marriage calls for compatibility in all kinds of areas: spiritually, intellectually, emotionally, socially, and so on. One cannot build a marriage on mere sexual passion alone. At some point you will want a soul mate, a partner you can relate to on all kinds of levels , a dedicated and skilled mother to help you shepherd the souls of your children, or a man who is a strong leader and protector. You will want your marriage to be about far more than just passion, buying things together, and bearing offspring.
Good Friends
In the Song of Songs there are other players, including a group of friends. The friends are pictured as commenting, giving advice, praising and encouraging:
“We rejoice and delight in you; we will praise your love more than wine” (1:4). “How is your beloved better than others, most beautiful of women? How is your beloved better than others, that you so charge us?” (5:9).
“The point is that this couple wasn’t alone. We live in what is, hands down, the most hyperindividualistic society in the world, but there is no way to date well in isolation. You have to be part of a community. For the first time in human history, dating is usually disconnected from family and friends…I am just saying that if you open up your relationship to people you know and trust and give them a voice to speak into your relationship, it will do well. That will mean, however, that you open up your relationship to scrutiny. You can’t hide. You have to be honest with people about the good and the bad. As a result, though, they will help you think straight. Help you make wise decisions, sidestep mistakes, and walk at the right pace” (Comer p. 139). Good advice. To be more specific:
- When you meet someone do not go into hibernation. Do not keep the relationship a secret from good and trusted friends. Quickly introduce this person to your family and wise friends and be open to their wisdom.
- If you meet a non-Christian, then quickly get them into your Christian circle—and see how they react. If it exists, a love for the truth, a willingness of change, and an openness to God will quickly surface.
- Get that non-Christian man around some Christian men, get that non-Christian woman around some spiritual women—and see how they handle the opportunity to connect with your spiritual family.
Movement
Yet like a pure stream is constantly moving, all healthy relationships have motion. A dating couple is either moving toward marriage or away from it and in time ponder such things as “Should we spend our life together?”, “Where is this relationship going?, “Is this going in the direction that God desires?”, “Are we making each other stronger spiritually?”, “Do we bring out the best in each other?” "Is our relationship a picture of Christ's relationship with the church?" "Are we spending time each day in spiritual pursuit together — to talking to and about God, and serving those He loves?"
See The Big Picture
Do we understand that our relationships have a purpose bigger than our own personal enjoyment and fulfillment in the relationship? When the vast majority of those living within five miles of you are unprepared to meet God and instead of getting to know them so that you can reach out to them spiritually, you and your beloved are instead fighting about things as shallow as, “You are not doing this or that for me" and are nitpicking at each other—then one thing is clear: It's time to grow up and realize life is not about you. Life is about using all our resources, including our relationships, to accomplish the work of God by setting such a beautiful example of peace, love and joy that makes others looking on ask, "I want what you have. I want a relationship like yours. What's your secret?"
Mark Dunagan | mdunagan@frontier.net
Beaverton Church of Christ | 503-644-9017
www.beavertonchurchofchrist.net
