Sunday Sermons

The Will of God - Part 7

Mark Dunagan
05/26/02 - Sunday Evening

The Will of God

Preparing Wisely For Marriage

Before we explore the question of “who” one should marry we first need to tackle the question of “whether” a person should marry. After Jesus addressed the question concerning whether one could divorce their mate for any cause (Matthew 19:3-9),the disciples were perceptive enough to understand the implications of what Jesus had taught (Matthew 19:10). They reasoned that if divorce was completely ruled out in all situations exception sexual immorality, then a man could be permanently locked into an intolerable situation, for example if he had unwittingly married a contentious woman (Proverbs 21:9). “Unmarried deprivation would certainly be preferable to married desolation” (Friesen p. 286). Jesus did agree that there would be some men for whom singleness would be preferable to marriage but this was not because of the negative risks inherent in the bonds of marriage (Matthew 19:11-12), but because of specific physical and spiritual considerations, however all men are not cut out for a life of singleness (19:11). The Bible agrees that man has freewill, that people can change and even Christians can fall away from the faith (Hebrews 6:4-6), but it never tells us to hold off on marrying because of what the other person in the marriage might do or not do. The risks involved in marrying another imperfect human being are never presented as a reason not to marry.

I believe it is important to note that singleness is a spiritual option for the Christian and that there is nothing wrong or weird about not marrying (1 Corinthians 7:1 “it is good for a man not to touch a woman”). This does not contradict Genesis 2:18 where the Bible said that it was “not good” for the man to be alone. The earth is sufficiently populated and will continue as such with or without the help of Christians. In addition, single Christians are never rebuked for possibly depriving someone of a good future husband or wife or depriving children of a good parent. Rather, the Holy Spirit notes that there are certain advantages of remaining single: One will avoid certain troubles (1 Corinthians 7:28); one will have a few less concerns (7:32); one is more able to give the Lord and His cause undistracted attention (7:32-34). Yet all of this teaching is prefaced by the truth that not everyone is able to live the single life (7:7 “each man has his own gift from God”). Contentment and the single life require a disposition and personality that is not universal. “Marriage may place some limitations on what a man is able to do for the Lord; but such inconveniences are far preferable to the havoc that lust can raise. For the man lacking in self-control, the choice is between potential distraction (marriage) or potential destruction (burning with lust)” (Friesen p. 291). Please note that in all of this the final decision is given to the individual (7:27-28 “If you should marry, you have not sinned”).

The Opportunity

Consider the teaching in 1 Corinthians 7:17-28. First, this section is not teaching that it is all right with God to remain in a condition in which one is sinning (6:9-11 “such were some of you”). Secondly, the person “released from a wife” has been truly released by God and not merely divorced (7:10-11). Paul is not forbidding marriage for single people or freedom for slaves. “If the opportunity comes along and it is expedient to take it, do so (7:21). His point was that people tend to concentrate on the wrong things. They pour their energies into changing their condition for their own sake rather than into changing the world for Christ’s sake” (Friesen p. 293-294). The decision as to whether to marry or not must then be made according to what is spiritually beneficial. Paul exhorts the believer to carefully consider the advantages and disadvantages of each state. He or she is then free and responsible to choose the condition which, in their judgment, will bring the greatest benefit to the Lord’s kingdom as well as themselves.

“Who?”

Unfortunately, from Genesis 2:22-23, some have argued that just as God created a specific woman for Adam in the Garden there exists for each man one specific woman who is perfectly suited to be his wife. Sadly, this argument ignores instruction for widows to marry (1 Timothy 5:14) (which means that at least two people exist that they should marry), and the fact that for some Christians it may be necessary to put away their mates (Matthew 5:32), yet the person doing the putting away is never rebuked for not making the “ideal” selection.

Genesis 24

The most frequently cited chapter supporting the concept of a divinely chosen spouse is Genesis 24. This is the chapter in which Abraham sent his trusted servant to the city of Nahor to seek out a wife for his son Isaac from among his relatives. First note that Abraham is confident that a wife exists for Isaac because of God’s revealed promise of many descendants who will inherit the land (Genesis 24:7). Thus this chapter is not normative for how to find a mate. God does not promise that every believer will find a mate, but Isaac had to have one if the promises to Abraham were to be fulfilled (Genesis 12:1-3). Some see Abraham’s servant as practicing what is known as “setting out a fleece” in verses 12-14, yet consider the text: 1. Even when this “sign” was apparently fulfilled, the servant was still uncertain that God was using the sign (24:21). “By his careful investigation subsequent to the fulfillment of the sign, the servant showed his awareness that such a procedure was highly unorthodox, and not to be fully trusted until all other conditions were met” (Friesen p. 300). 2. Even when her background was discovered to be acceptable (24:23-24), the matter was not concluded in the servant’s mind until Rebekah indicated a willingness to return with him (24:58). 3. He was careful to determine if her family would give their daughter to Isaac. If not, he would look to other families for the woman of God’s choice (24:49). 4. Even after they were married, Isaac and Rebekah still had to work at their marriage for while they loved each other (24:67), they were not 100 compatible in all things (25:28). Finally, this is a situation in which divine revelation had already been given (Isaac must have a wife), God personally and directly interacted with Abraham and Abraham knew that God’s angel would be sent on ahead (24:7).

God’s will for Believers who Marry

· One must avoid someone who will lead them away from God, whether this is a committed unbeliever or a weak or apostate Christian. The principle stated in Deuteronomy 7:3-4 and 1 Kings 11:4 must be appreciated by Christians today(Romans 15:4). Nehemiah noted that even foreign women led astray the wisest man in Israel and one who was loved by God and blessed by God (Nehemiah 13:26). Someone wisely noted that even marrying someone who does not stand in your way of serving God and attending services could be unwise, for the children of that union will be confused, seeing that two people they love and admire are holding opposite convictions. In such a situation children may not be convicted by the example of the Christian parent for they may reason, “If this faith is so important than why did you marry someone outside that faith?”

· Marry wisdom first (Proverbs 2:1-6). It has been noted that in the Proverbs there are two things which are elevated above jewels, “wisdom” (8:11) and a godly wife (31:10). There is much to be said for first gaining wisdom and then after that looking for a mate. Sadly, many people first get interested in the opposite sex, marry, and then realize how much they need wisdom. “It would be wise for a man, for instance, to select a woman toward whom he could most easily and completely fulfill his commitments as a husband. And he would want to choose a woman whose first marital priority is the fulfillment of her God-given functions as a wife (Titus 2:3-5). That may sound obvious, but many people have come to grief in their marriage because they did not deliberately think these things through. A woman, observing that Scripture requires her to submit to her husband, should be asking in advance, ‘For what kind of man would submission come easily?’ and so on. A man would want to observe whether the woman he is considering will be struggling between her loyalty to him and her pursuit of a career. In the most general terms, it is the most spiritually mature person who is willing to be joined in marriage. In short, when a Christian is thinking through the qualities he or she is seeking in a spouse, moral and spiritual characteristics should head the list” (Friesen pp. 304-305).

· When people are young there can be the temptation to downplay the importance of biblical instruction or view it as old fashioned. A young man may discount the value of a woman who places family first or is submissive (Ephesians 5:22; 1 Timothy 5:14). Or a young woman may not appreciate the importance of marrying a man who is a definite spiritual leader(Ephesians 5:25; 6:1-4). I have observed as time goes on in a marriage that what was viewed as unnecessary or unimportant all of a sudden becomes a huge issue. Submission may not have seemed very important while dating but now becomes a huge issue when decisions must be made. Spiritual leadership in a man may not have seemed like a big deal until the children come along or when a woman finds herself having to push her husband to attend. Unfortunately the woman who is attracted to the man who does not conform to God’s will eventually finds herself hating and irritated by his non-conformity, and the same is true for men who are attracted to women who have not put God first in their lives.

· Remember to strive for excellence. “The importance of finding a spouse who is characterized above all, by spiritual excellence, is repeatedly underscored in the Old Testament. The segment of Proverbs that specifically addresses the issue of mate selection emphasizes that goal in the opening statement, ‘An excellent wife, who can find? For her worth is far above jewels” (Proverbs 31:10). Accordingly, when Boaz told Ruth he wanted to take her as his wife, he explained, ‘for all my people in the city know that you are a woman of excellence’ (Ruth 3:11). Spiritual excellence is the ultimate trait for marriageablity” (Friesen p. 305).

· Learn as much as possible about how a marriage works in advance of marrying, which would include godly counsel from those who are already married (Titus 2:3-5).

· There is much said about finding someone who is compatible, yet far more important is that you marry someone who, like yourself, has the goal of being compatible with God. The Word of God must judge personal desires, for when it comes to marriage, many of our personal desires have been molded by our environment (Proverbs 11:22), rather than by the Lord(Romans 12:2). “Our notions of love, attractiveness, and ways of finding happiness can be profoundly influenced by the world rather than the Word. As a result, personal desires must first be evaluated as to their legitimacy before they can be trusted as sources of wisdom” (Friesen p. 306).