Sunday Sermons
Parenting Tips - Part 1
Parenting Tips
The Hebrew writer noted, “We had earthly fathers to discipline us, and we respected them; shall we not much rather be subject to the Father of spirits, and live? For they disciplined us for a short time as seemed best to them, but He disciplines us for our good, that we may share His holiness” (Hebrews 12:9-10). The Holy Spirit notes that earthly fathers are not perfect, in addition God does not demand perfection but that rather we are to us His truth and seek to raise our children the best we can. The purpose of this lesson is to give parents some tips on parenting so that we can truly strive for excellence in our parenting.
The danger of too many choices too soon
“Allowing a child to progress into his new and expanding world in an orderly fashion greatly enhances learning. The child that can associate right meanings with new experiences is far more advanced in his understanding than the child that associates a new meaning to an old situation in need of correction” (Growing Kids God’s Way pp. 215-216). A common mistake in parenting is to allow the child to do things or make choices that are not in harmony with his or her moral and intellectual abilities.
Practical Test
Listen to your children, when they speak to you do they say, “Mom, I’m going to..” or do they say, “Mom, may I…?” Is the children telling you what he is she is going to do or is the child asking for permission? The child who is constantly saying, “I’m going to..”, is assuming a decision-making freedom, which he or she may not have. “If your five-year-old believes she has the freedom to come and go at will, then what will stop her from wandering off when you are at the beach, in the department store, and so on? Young children need more from their parents than simply guidance; they also need the security of parental authority. Seeking permission helps a child realize his need for dependence on your leadership” (pp. 220-221).
“Lest he be wise in his own eyes” (Proverbs 26:5); “Do you see a man wise in his own eyes? There is more hope for a fool than for him” (26:12)
“To be wise in your own eyes is not a compliment but a warning. Certainly for parents it is a warning that our actions may lead the fool or naïve ones (our children) to think themselves wise in their own eyes. That is, they think they possess a type of self-sufficient wisdom that they do not possess” (p. 221).
Wearing yourself out?
Parents can wear themselves out by giving their young children all sorts of choices. For example, if you find yourself exhausted after mealtime because each child had to have their own specific cup, bowl, spoon and their food cooked to exact specifications. Or, you find that your children are arguing with every choice you make from what clothes they will wear, to what story will be read at night, to where they will sleep or what restaurant the family will frequent, then your children are addicted to choice. Unfortunately, some parents cater to all these whims so as to avoid conflict with the child. “If your child comes to the table and accepts mom’s meal decision, then your child is probably able to handle some choices. If your child protests your choice for breakfast, grumbles, complains, cries, and refuses to eat, there is a strong possibility that you have a child addicted to choice. Being addicted to choice means that a child cannot emotionally cope in life when no choice is available to him. When specific instructions are given, the child struggles to submit because he is addicted to deciding for himself. There will be days when mom decides what’s for breakfast or what is to be worn, and there will be some days you will allow your children to make some decisions. But the latter should not be offered until your children have demonstrated contentment with your right to rule in their lives without protest”. You want your children to find wisdom in your authority and not in their own eyes” (p. 224). Remember, God did not create parents for the purpose of catering to the demands of their children, and let us remember that respecting and submitting to what mom cooked for dinner and the clothes they selected for Sunday morning is obeying your parents and honoring them (Ephesians 6:1-4). Giving your children all sorts of choices is not inherent proof that you love them.
Recalling Freedoms
“No child wants to give up territory once it is gained. Certainly, there will be times when a parent will recall a prematurely granted freedom because the child is not ready to handle the associated responsibilities. Recalling privileges should not be the norm but the exception in your parenting. Remember, it is easier to go from restraint to freedom than it is to go from too many freedoms to restraint. It is more difficult to pull in boundaries than let them out” (p. 220).
An Adult Application
The importance of keeping our children from becoming addicted to choice is seen in the fact that Christians must not be addicted, even to their own rights and freedoms, “All things are lawful for me, but not all things are profitable. All things are lawful for me, but I will not be mastered by anything” (1 Corinthians 6:12). There are times when a Christian might have to forego a freedom or liberty in order to keep someone from getting the wrong idea (1 Corinthians 8:13; Romans 14:15,20).
Whining
Whining is not only an unacceptable form of communication that becomes annoying but it is also often a subtle challenge to parental authority, and God takes such challenges very seriously (Romans 1:31 “disobedient to parents”; 2 Timothy 3:2). Whining is a learned trait and children whine, first to protest parental instruction. Children know that to directly challenge their parents will bring immediate correction, so they whine, and such whining is often overlooked or allowed. Secondly, they whine because in many cases it works! Whining prior to 15 months usually reflects a limited vocabulary and can be solved with teaching the child hand signals or specific words such as “all done” or “please more drink”. In older children whining can be countered by first explaining that it will not be tolerated and then if the child asks for anything in a whining tone, turn on the stove timer for three to five minutes. Then invite the child to ask again at the sound of the bell. If such natural consequences as having to wait fail to deter the child, and then have the child repeat your instruction, i.e., “Yes mom, no whining”. This will then make whining an objective violation of parental authority and disobedience at this point deserves a spanking and the use of isolation.
An Adult Application
The character trait of whining is not something that children just naturally out grow; rather many adults in our society have become experts in the art of whining. Yet, God does not view whining in a favorable light (1 Corinthians 10:6-11). Let us remember that one of the works of the flesh is “strife” (Galatians 5:20), which can be defined as disputing, quarreling, and contention. Whining is nothing more than disputing and quarreling with one’s parents. Whining is not honoring them and neither it is submitting to them.
Temper Tantrums
“Like a city that is broken into and without walls is a man who has no control over his spirit” (Proverbs 25:28).
“A temper tantrum is the ultimate rejection of parental authority. When a parent responds, the goal should not be to suppress the child’s emotions, but to help him gain self-control in moments of disappointment and learn the proper methods of expression. Without such training, he will eventually be brought under the dominance of his emotional impulses. As a result, others can easily take advantage of him” (p. 231). The man who recognizes no restraints, will find himself vulnerable to attacks from others, for he cannot handle criticism, insult, defeat or disappointment. “The one who cannot maintain such control will always be outmaneuvered by an adversary who keeps emotions in check” (Garrett p. 211). Children throw temper tantrums for two reasons, blackmail and revenge. For a child under two-and-a-half years of age, either walk away or isolate the child. “A tantrum needs an audience to be successful, and isolation removes the child from center stage” (p. 231). Over that age level inform the child that when he settles down after his temper outbursts, he will receive his spanking. And do it. “Without a follow-up consequence, a tantrum has real value to the child” (p. 232), “Because the sentence against an evil deed is not executed quickly, therefore the hearts of the sons of men among them are given fully to do evil” (Ecclesiastes 8:11). Our children must learn the lesson that such outbursts of anger are unacceptable and wrong, even in the privacy of our own homes (Galatians 5:20 “outbursts of anger…(21) those who practice such things shall not inherit the kingdom of God”).
Micro-Rebellion
This is the attitude that loves the line and gets as close to the line of transgression as possible. This attitude is a very dangerous and subtle form of disobedience. This is the child who, when told not to walk on the newly mopped floor, will stand right where the floor begins and position their feet so their toes extend over the floor, without touching it. If your child is falling into this habit, they need specific instruction. If not checked this attitude can really get an adult into trouble, for Christians are commanded to abhor evil and flee from it rather than flirting with it (Romans 12:9; 2 Timothy 2:22). If you find your children analyzing your instructions as a lawyer would, you need to remind them that looking for loopholes and merely conforming outwardly is an attitude that God has repeatedly condemned in the past (Matthew 23:23ff).
Esteeming Others
“Give preference to one another in honor” (Romans 12:10). In too many homes, including those of Christians, siblings are allowed to bad mouth each other. Statements such as “You are ugly” and threats such as “I am going to tell” are unacceptable in a Christian home. “Training children to restrain their unkind speech is one of the most overlooked areas in parenting(Proverbs 15:4; 16:27; 17:20; Ephesians 5:4; James 1:26)” (pp. 239-240). Our children need to be taught how to respect each other, and the following areas of training are often overlooked: 1. Listening attentively to a brother or sister. 2. Responding with basic courtesies and greetings such as, “Please”, “Thank you”, “I am sorry”, and “Will your forgive me?” 3. Interrupting properly, with only one person speaking at a time. 4. Sharing property that is reasonable to share. 5. Praying for brothers and sisters. 6. Being happy when something good happens to a sibling. “We have found that the way a child treats his siblings is often the way he or she will treat his future spouse and children. Do not curse your future grandchildren by not encouraging sufficient love between brothers and sisters” (p. 240).
Mark Dunagan/Beaverton Church of Christ/503-644-9017
www.beavertonchurchofchrist.net/mdunagan@easystreet.com
