Sunday Sermons

Parenting Tips - Part 2

Mark Dunagan
07/21/02 - Sunday Morning

Parenting Tips II

Genesis 2:18-24

“Notice a very important exclusion; children were not present with Adam and Eve when God rested from His work of creation. After He had formed the woman, God authoritatively declared that His creation was very good (Genesis 1:31). If children were necessary to complete man and woman, God would have created them before making such a declaration. Therefore, the marriage relationship lacks nothing. Woman alone completes man, and man alone completes woman. Thus, the husband and wife form the nucleus of the family unit. Children do not complete the family; they expand it” (Growing Kids God’s Way, p. 44).

Child-Centered Parenting

“Often parents leave their first love, each other, and focus extensively on their children. Although this may be done in the name of good parenting, it is the first step to the break-up of family relationships. This leads to the second threat to successful parenting, the belief that children are the center of the family universe, rather than welcome members of it. Parents who center their entire world around the nurture of their children at the expense of the husband-wife relationship are child-centered. Child-centered parenting attacks the husband-wife relationship by reducing its biblical significance. In marriage, neither man nor woman can lose themselves. Child-centered parenting wrongly authorizes one or the other to pull away, ignoring what Jesus said” (p. 47). Jesus noted, “For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother, and the two shall become one flesh; so that they are no longer two, but one flesh” (Mark 10:7-8). He also noted that in marriage a man is to “cleave” to His wife (Matthew 19:5). The word “cleave” or “joined” can be defined as, “to hold fast together, to glue, and cement” (Vine p. 196).

An Adult Application

Couples sometimes assume that God has given them the right to “pull away” from each other and lose themselves in either raising the children, pursuing a career, getting involved in a hobby, or pursuing some goal. We need to cleave to one another even when raising children, even when serving others, and even with spreading the gospel. “Life does not stop when you have children. It may slow down, but it does not stop. When you became a mother or father, you did not stop being a daughter, son, sister, brother, friend, husband or wife. Couples often did special things for each other before the children came into the family. Continue to do those things that were markers of your special relationship before the children came” (p. 50-51). In addition, continue to practice hospitality and serving others. “This healthy distraction obligates you to plan your child’s day around serving other people and is a good way for your children to participate” (p. 51). Children need to grow up in an environment where they see and are taught to serve others and that this is a natural part of our daily lives (Philippians 2:3-5; Hebrews 13:1-3). In addition, removing our children from the center of the family will enable us to resist the temptation of placing them ahead of God. “Child-centered parenting, for some, comes perilously close to idolatry. When a child’s happiness is a greater goal than his holiness, when his psychological health is elevated above moral health, and when he, not God, becomes the center of the family universe, a subtle form of idolatry is created. Children become little gods who have parents worshiping their creation and not their Creator” (pp. 48-49). Jesus warned against this tendency in Matthew 10:37 “and he who loves son or daughter more than Me is not worthy of Me”. Eli was rebuked in the Old Testament because God noted, “Why do you…honor your sons above Me” (1 Samuel 2:29). A temptation that confronts some parents in this life occurs if their children become unfaithful they may continue to cater to the whims and wishes of their unfaithful children for fear of losing contact with the grandchildren. Eli did not rebuke his sons and ended up losing them, God noted, “For I have told him that I am about to judge his house forever for the iniquity which he knew, because his sons brought a curse on themselves and he did not rebuke them” (1 Samuel 3:13). Refusing to place our children at the center of the family will not only enable us to avoid the temptation of placing them ahead of God it will also enable us to clearly see the faults of our children and who they are really becoming.

Temperament

“The training of children should be characterized by the same standard of moral excellence regardless of their personality, temperament, or gender. We do not lower the standards for the child but bring the child to the standard. Many parents are guilty of dismissing the need for virtuous training based on their child’s peculiarity. They will say to us, ‘Oh, but my child is different’. The ‘Oh, but my child is different’ is not a legitimate exception clause in the ethical scheme of the Bible” (p. 30). The above truth can be seen in the fact that God has only given one faith, one consistent standard of truth (Jude 3; Ephesians 4:5). Every personality type, every unique individual is expected to conform to this one standard of truth. Exceptions are not made for the creative, the musical, the intellectual, extroverts, or introverts.

Shyness

“Shyness is not an acceptable excuse for disrespect. Shyness itself is not morally right or wrong, but does have moral limits. It cannot be used as a legitimate excuse, because of temperamental strengths and weaknesses do not exempt a child from right moral responses. If someone says, ‘Hi’, to your child, the correct and minimal response should be, ‘Hi’. Train your child to be courteous” (pp. 125-126). The importance of training in this area is seen in the fact that Christians are commanded to spread the gospel (Matthew 28:20), and give an answer to those who ask us to give a reason for the hope within us (1 Peter 3:15). We are also obligated to speak out and warn the person who is heading down the wrong path (Ephesians 5:11; 2 Timothy 2:24-26). Being afraid of standing up and being counted, being fearful of making the first move or sticking out in the crowd will not only result in missing many great opportunities, but it will also result in our own condemnation (Revelation 21:8 “the cowardly”).

Unselfishness

Children need to be taught to think about others, for the New Testament repeatedly commands Christians to do things for “one another” (Philippians 2:3; Colossians 3:13; Romans 12:9; 13:8. Practical Example: “When it is one child’s birthday, the siblings do not need to receive a gift also. That only robs the birthday child of his special day. It teaches the siblings to selfishly look forward to a day of gifts rather than a day of celebrating the birth of a brother or sister. Mothers will often say, ‘I don’t want anyone to feel bad because they did not get a gift’. But they will all receive a gift—each one on their own birthday” (p. 134). Secondly, all chores are not equal. “The kids who did family-care chores like setting the table, feeding the cat, or bringing in firewood, showed more concern for the welfare of others than children who had only self-care responsibilities such as making their own bed and hanging up their own clothes. When children participate in the care of others, they grow sensitive to human need” (p. 135). How sensitive are our children to the needs of others?

Life is not Fair

“Often parents confuse the terms fairness and justice. Justice is legal equality; fairness is not. Life is unfair. Unfairness is relative to our own circumstances. Most of us assess fairness by what we are missing, not by what we are possessing. Teach your children to be content. Show them how much they have that others do not. Only when you learn to be thankful for what you have will you learn to be content. Taking inventory and realizing how much God has lavishly provided us can only produce a thankful heart. In contrast, discontentment keeps a person focused on self; and when you look at self, you limit your ability to meet Scripture’s moral mandate of looking to the preciousness of others” (p. 136). The Bible often exhorts Christians to be thankful (Colossians 3:16 “singing with thankfulness”; 3:15 “and be thankful”). The Holy Spirit equally notes that ingratitude is the first step that people often take when they go off the deep end in their thinking (Romans 1:21). In 2 Timothy 3:2-4, the “lover of self” is the same person who is one who hates good. The child, who is never taught gratitude, is often the angry adult who can wreck havoc in society. We have too many people in this world who shout or pout their way through life and such people often get their way for the moment because the effort to engage them is so exhausting. From my own experience, almost every person committed to rejecting the Bible that I have met was an ungrateful, self-absorbed, and bitter person. Parents need to repeatedly preach that familiar sermon about how fortunate their children are to live in this country, live in this house, and how fortunate they are to live in a world that God made (Psalm 103:10).

Respect for the Property of Others

The Bible does teach the principle of private ownership (Acts 5:4). “Teaching respect for property begins at home and should be considered part of a social contract. When visiting friends, we did not rearrange their living room claiming that the items were too much temptation for our children. Our children did not explore bedrooms or open cabinets, the refrigerator, or dresser drawers. They did not climb on anyone’s furniture or carry their cat, slinging it from its neck. We did not child-proof our house; we house-proofed our children” (pp. 137-138). Respecting the property of others starts with respecting the “person” who owns that property. Respecting property is not tied to what the property looks like or its value, but rather the value of the owner. Throwing litter on a front lawn that is terribly overgrown is just as bad as littering a nicely groomed lawn.

Tattling

Children will bring reports to their parents about siblings for many reasons. Legitimate reasons would include health and safety concerns or the honest desire for parental intervention and justice. In this respect the child learns that it is far better to have his parents provide the justice than for him to strike back at a sibling, in like manner adults need to allow civil government (Romans 13:4) and God to administer justice (Romans 12:17-21).

“A sure sign of actual tattling is when a brother or sister snitches for the single purpose of pleasure of getting another sibling in trouble. This is known as malice (1 Peter 2:1), the desire to see others suffer or receive pain” (p. 238). Children should be informed that such tattling will be swiftly punished, for God has no pleasure in people who like to see others get in trouble. God condemns gossip, which is the adult equivalent of tattling (Proverbs 18:8; 26:20; 1 Timothy 5:13; 1 Peter 4:15). “Tattling is to reveal by gossiping. Where there is gossip, there is not humility. Do not leave the tattling attitude unchallenged. Unkind speech only fosters sibling conflict. In our home, the tattler received the spanking” (pp. 238-239). Often parents can tell the difference between genuine concern and tattling from the eyes of the child. “Evil intent will manifest itself on the child’s face and in his attitude” (p. 239). Remember, my child needs to grow up with the ability to work things about, to respond to harsh words with a soft answer and to approach the person in sin without gossiping to others about it (Proverbs 15:1; 29:11; Matthew 18:15-17).