Sunday Sermons
Finding the One
One of the questions that I am frequently asked by young people is, “How do I know when I have found the person that I should marry?” In this lesson I want to give young people specific and practical criteria for helping them answer this question. This is an important question to consider and know the answer to beforehand seeing that one is not allowed to choose another path after they are married (Romans 7:2-3). It is not an enjoyable experience to say in ten or twenty years, “I wish I had known then what I know now”. In marrying, Christians want to do far more than simply avoiding a “mistake”, rather we want to aim high and marry the person that God would truly want in our life (Proverbs 19:14).
Transparency
By the above term I mean that you do not have to pretend or put on an act around this person and neither is that person pretending to be someone that they are not while around you. Marry the person that you have the freedom to be true and genuine in their presence, “Let love be without hypocrisy” (Romans 12:9), “Your love must be genuine” (Gpsd). So much of dating today seems to be centered on appearing to be someone that you are not. Remember, one does not marry an image, but a real person. What this means is that you want to marry someone that is willing to listen to the truth (1 Corinthians 13:6), and one with whom you can share your honest feelings. Beware of the person that you have to tiptoe around, or who cannot accept any advice or criticism (Proverbs 9:8-9). Solomon noted, “Better is open rebuke than love that is concealed” (Proverbs 27:5). Life can become very trying if you are in a relationship where you must wear a fake smile all the time. Solomon also noted, “Better is a dish of vegetables where love is, than a fattened ox and hatred with it” (15:17). Such a verse reminds us of the priceless nature of a relationship in which there is genuine love, as compared to the person with many possessions who must walk around on eggshells. “Many people have found that a home where material possessions are few but love for each other is present is far better than a house of great opulence where people hate each other, hatred undoes all the enjoyments that good food might otherwise bring” (Bible Knowledge Comm. p. 938). Marry someone who allows you to relax, be yourself, and make mistakes (Proverbs 17:9).
You contribute to each other’s spiritual growth
“Iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another” (Proverbs 27:17). One writer has labeled this proverb, stimulating contact. “The image here is striking; as knives are sharpened by other tools of steel, so scholars, artists or athletes can ‘sharpen’ each other by competition, the exchange of ideas, and constructive criticism” (Alden p. 192). “People must not shy away from interaction with their peers since it is an education in itself”(Garrett p. 220). No man is an island, and we do need good friends, the kind who will challenge us to do better, and motivate us towards good and noble qualities and goals. There are friends which sharpen our character, morals, and thinking, and then there are people who seem to dull us into inaction, apathy, or skepticism. Which friend are we? When we interact with people, do we muddy the water, or do we offer clarity? Do we bring in our wake moral confusion, or a definite direction and a moral compass? In a healthy marriage, sparks may fly (iron sharpening iron), but something better results from the friction. You always trust that the other person is going to say things and push things because she or he is really concerned about your best interests. Marry someone that will help you solve problems, and if a disagreement arises, marry someone who wants to find a solution and not someone who is always trying to push the solution that benefits them. “You know that he is in it for you, and not just his own agenda” (Am I the One? James R. Lucas, p. 159). The only risks that such a person would push you to take would be those that would benefit your own spiritual growth and maturity. Compare with 1 Kings 21:25; Nehemiah 13:26.
You are sold on each other’s success
“There are no doubts about the question, “Is she in it for me?” She listens to, encourages, and expands your dreams. Being with her makes you feel like a bigger and better person. She wants you to be all you can be, and she can see your potential” (p. 159). It has been noted that “love does not consist in gazing at each other, but in looking together in the same direction” (Saint-Exupery). Marry someone who views you as an asset and not as a competitor. God said the same thing and more when He noted that husband and wife are to become “one flesh” (Matthew 19:5), that they are fellow-heirs (1 Peter 3:7), that a wife is a help-meet (Genesis 2:18), and that the worthy woman does her husband good and not evil all the days of her life (Proverbs 31:12), as a result, the heart of her husband trusts in her (31:11). Marry someone that you can trust with your secrets, your feelings, your goals, dreams and weaknesses!
Mutual Respect
“And be subject to one another in the fear of Christ” (Ephesians 5:21). Even though the Bible teaches that the husband is the head of the wife(Ephesians 5:23), both of you take equal responsibility for resolving problems and disagreements. “You fix the problem rather than fixing blame. You have fifty-fifty conversations; there is no ‘I just want to listen”. Neither of you is a clam, open now but ready to snap shut later. Both of you play equal roles when socializing or ministering, with neither of you either taking away the other’s place or dumping your own on him or her” (Lucas p. 160). This means that you have found a person who is really willing to work at building a strong relationship (Ephesians 5:25,28,33). This mutual respect also means that you are willing and this other person is willing to give up some of your freedom. “Will you be wiling to explain what you’re doing and why?” (p. 148). Another application here, is that your differences are complementary rather than destructive. As you are dating, is this person building you up or are they tearing you down? (Galatians 5:15). Mutual respect also involves common courtesy and decency, such as consulting the other person before making a decision that will affect both of you.
Contentment is as strong as desire
“There is no manipulation or pressure in the relationship. You are incredibly happy with your friendship. You are committed to the best path for your love, even if that means you should wait years before you marry. Like Jacob, you know that your Rachel is worth waiting for, and working for, for many years, “So Jacob served seven years for Rachel and they seemed to him but a few days because of his love for her” (Genesis 29:20). The joy is now, in the midst of your great friendship, not ‘after we get married’” (Lucas p. 161). At the same time the Bible does warn individuals against delaying too long lest temptation overtake one (1 Corinthians 7:9). Another application here is that you are not rushing into marriage for fear that the other person might have a change of heart if you wait too long. Remember that a lack of self-control on the part of either of you will not get better after you are married. “How you handle time alone together is an important test. Are you building each other up and protecting each other’s souls, or do you find yourself pushing the boundaries and feeling like you are failing?” (p. 150).
No one fizzles under pressure
“She loves you at your worst, and is kind even when you disagree. Tension and stress do not produce ugly interactions. You do not have wars, either hot (rage, anger) or cold (silence, looks)” (Lucas p. 161). The “right one” will be able to handle pressure, set backs, annoyances, and unpredictable obstacles. If the person you are dating has a difficult time with the unexpected trials of life, then getting married will not solve anything, for the hardships during marriage are far more intense than the hardships when one is single. You are looking for someone who has maturity and spiritual perspective, who does not wilt under trials (1 Peter 4:12-13,19; Hebrews 12:4-6). What this means on a practical level is that you have strong finishes together during tests and trials. “Failure and mistakes draw you closer, problems present opportunity, not annoyance” (p. 161). A practical application here would be, “How are you and this other person handling the small changes, you have already faced? If you’re already struggling with changes, even if everything else looks positive, you could be in serious trouble. The only constants in life are God and change. If you’re surviving the small changes, that’s not good enough. If you’re thriving when these changes come, that’s better” (p. 147). We do need to be able to accept the life is all about change (Ecclesiastes 3:1-10), many of these changes will be completely unexpected (9:11 “time and chance overtake them all”), and if God expects us to thrive on persecution then obviously we need to be able to thrive on unexpected changes as well (Romans 5:3-5). “And how do you handle disagreements? Is there a lot of anger? Are things said that hurt deeply, and are hard to forget even after you forgive? You’ll need to see a lot of patience now, in the face of stupid and upsetting things, to be sure that you can make it when you face a lifetime of stupid and upsetting things” (p. 150). “If you are slack in the day of distress, your strength is limited” (Proverbs 24:10). “Exceptional strain (10) and avoidable responsibility (11-12) are fair tests, not unfair, of a man’s metal. It is the hireling, not the true shepherd, who will plead bad conditions (10), hopeless tasks (11) and pardonable ignorance (12); love is not so lightly quieted—nor is the God of love” (Kidner p. 154). I think what Kidner notes, that such adversities are fair tests for they accurately reveal one’s level of maturity. In other words, having a bad day at work or school is not an excuse taking out your anger upon others. Remember, God expects us to walk in the steps of Jesus, who took tremendous abuse and yet who did not respond in sinful anger (1 Peter 2:21-23). George Santayana noted, “It takes patience to appreciate domestic bliss, volatile spirits prefer unhappiness”.
Seriousness is matched by playfulness
“You can relax and really let your guard down. There is the joy and freedom that comes from innocence and purity. There is healthy teasing that stays within bounds. There is comfort and peace in physical closeness. You sense that playfulness will be one of the main ingredients for wiping out sexual fears, sexual negotiation, and sexual games after you’re married. You can laugh at life. You can laugh at each other without hurting each other’s feelings. And you can laugh at yourselves” (pp. 161-162). On a practical level, this means marry someone who is already happy with who they are, and where they are going. Find that person who is content in various circumstances (Philippians 4:10-13).
This person is a wise Christian
God expects His people to be wise (Matthew 10:16), and we need to be aware that in the world there are miserable Christians, discouraging Christians, and nasty Christians. There are also many people who can talk a good game, but who do not live it. “And that starts with how he treats you in everyday life. Nothing is easier than for a person to make people outside the marriage and family think he’s great while he’s making those inside totally miserable” (p. 149). (2 Corinthians 11:13-15).
