The Good Friend

Sunday Sermons

Mark Dunagan
10/22/07 - Sunday Evening

The Good Friend

The purpose of the book of Proverbs is found in the very first chapter, “To give prudence to the naïve, to the youth knowledge and discretion” (1:4). Thus the book was written to guide the young and inexperienced, so one can live in this world and yet remain unspotted (James 1:27; Psalm 119:9). As a result, the literature of the Proverbs warns us concerning people to avoid, such as the fool, scoffer, sluggard, strange woman and the angry man. In like manner we are encouraged to marry a virtuous woman and be wise in our selection of “friends”. Young people do need instruction concerning what is a good friend and those older need to be reminded concerning what it means to be a good friend.

Qualities of a Good Friend: Consistency

Fair-weather friends are many in this world and they even existed during the time of Solomon, “Those who love the rich are many” (14:20); “Wealth adds my friends” (19:4); “Every man is a friend to him who gives gifts” (19:6). These verses are convicting, for they should move us to examine why people want to be our friends, and how we have acquired various friendships. In essence, have we taken a short-cut and “purchased” some friendships? What this means is:

· A real friend does not need a “gift” or some material benefit to remain our friend.

· A read friend is our friend even when we are not popular and even when we are in no position to help them in some way.

· 19:4 suggests that the absence of wealth is a great test of who is the real friend, “How much more do his friends go far from him” (19:7). The real test of friendship then is who is still by your side when you are no longer popular, cute, the star athlete, well dressed, or wealthy. The same is true concerning who is still your friend when you stop living like a sinner (1 Peter 4:1ff). Solomon noted, “A friend loves at all times” (17:17). This equally includes still loving one after one comes out of liberalism or denominationalism.

In contrast to the above false friends, “A man of many friends comes to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother” (18:24). It is better to have one good faithful friend, than to have many unreliable, professed friends. And, a real friend will stand by your side even then you are deserted by your own family (19:7 “All the brothers of the poor man hate him”). Unfortunately, some of us feel disappointed because we only have a couple of genuine friends. Yet “A man of many friends comes to ruin”: There are professed friends who in reality are detriments to our well-being. For a friend that stuck closer than a brother, consider the example of Jonathan (1 Samuel 18:1-4; 19:1-7; 20:17-42; 23:15-18). There is also a warning here about having too many indiscriminate friendships, or putting a lot of time and energy into many shallow relationships, rather than nurturing a couple of genuine friendships.

The Bible equally admonishes us to become this type of friend, “Do not forsake your own friend or your father’s friend” (27:10). “In case the reader should think only of the friendship he hopes to receive, he is urged to give this kind of loyalty (27:10), especially to the old friend of the family who may easily be dropped in the search for new company, but whose staunchness would stand any test” (Kidner p. 45). A friend who is available is better than a relative who is not. The verse advises: Recognize and keep family friends, for they may become your best advisors. Every generation of young people is tempted to downplay the wisdom and importance of those who assisted their parents. We naively think that our best friends will be those who are our own age. “One should seek solid, meaningful relationships among one’s neighbors and family, but not focus on people who are fun but lack substance” (Garrett p. 218).

Qualities of a Good Friend: Honesty

This is found in the direct statement, “Faithful are the wounds of a friend” (27:6).

“A true friend gives time and attention but it is not always flattering” (Garrett p. 216). The verse seems to infer that most friendships will need this type of love, that is, true friendship involves a price and a risk. It seems to me that many people claim they want friends and relationships, but they want at the same time friends who will turn a blind eye to their sins.
Another “friendship test” is how people around you respond when you are about to do something or have done something foolish. Those who challenge you are your true friends, in contrast, those who excuse you, take your side, and help you gang up on those who are trying to help you—are your enemies. “A man who flatters his neighbor is spreading a net for his steps” (29:5). David failed to be a faithful friend to his own son Adonijah, when then Biblical text says, “And his father had never crossed him at any time by asking, ‘Why have you done so?’” (1 Kings 1:6).
One will not find any true friends if one is seeking to avoid people that will hold one accountable, disagree when one is wrong, exhort one to do better, and who will not bring up any unpleasant “heavy issues”. A friend will tell you when you are about to do something very foolish.
Often the reward of being a good friend might be delayed, “He who rebukes a man will afterward find more favor” (28:23).

Qualities of a Good Friend: Sound Advice

“Iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another” (27:17). “The image here is striking; as knives are sharpened by other tools of steel, so scholars, artists or athletes can ‘sharpen’ each other by competition, the exchange of ideas, and constructive criticism” (Alden p. 192). “People must not shy away from interaction with their peers since it is an education in itself” (Garrett p. 220). No man is an island, and we do need good friends, the kind who will challenge us to do better, and motivate us towards good and noble qualities and goals. There are friends which sharpen our character, morals, and thinking, and then there are people whom seem to dull us into inaction, apathy, or skepticism. Which friend are we? When we interact with people, do we muddy the water, or do we offer clarity? Do we bring in our wake moral confusion, or a definite direction and a moral compass?

· A true friend will offer a healthy clash with any thinking in our minds that is unsound.

· A true friend is cheering (27:9), encouraging as well as bracing, like a crisp fall morning that removes the cobwebs from your mind.

· True friends give us spiritual strength, and false friends will make us weaker.

· True friends elevate our standards, goals, and expectations of ourselves.

· True friends help us reach our moral potential.

· True friends will not lie to us or for us—so they do not have to lie about us at our funeral.

· A true friend sees the real us. The best friend to have is someone who is not awed by your presence, rather, someone who is awed by God and who sees very clearly your imperfections.

Qualities of a True Friend: Unselfishness

We could equally call this “tact” and “maturity”. True friends are not possessive about the friendship. They want you to have other friends; they are not upset if you do something with someone else. They do not have to be with you constantly. In fact, a real friend wants you to spend time with others and have as many good friendships as possible so you end up a well rounded individual.

· A real friend will not overstay his or her welcome (25:17).

· They will not be loud at the wrong time (27:14). They respect your privacy, schedule, time and your space.

· They will not try to be merry when it is not a time to rejoice (25:20). They are not superficial, and they do not believe that the answer to every problem is a party.

· They understand the limits of a joke and kidding (26:18-19).

Common Dangers to Friendship

· Do not allow some gossip to destroy your friendships (16:28).

· Being willing to forgive (17:9 “But he who repeats a matter separates intimate friends”). There is a warning: even genuine and real friends can be separated by Satan if they are not careful. It reminds us that the closest and truest friendships need guarding. Friendship cannot simply stand by itself; the integrity of the friendship “depends as much on spiritual resources as does that of an individual” (Kidner p. 46).

Thus, all real friendships, just as a marriage or fellowship in a local congregation, require work, dedication, and effort. Genuine friendships just do not happen by accident and neither are they effortless. The good news is that a relationship with God makes the Christian a prime candidate to succeed in their friendships, and to be a genuine friend because the very foundation of Christianity includes faithfulness, dependability, serving others, unselfishness, honesty, and kindness.

Mark Dunagan/Beaverton Church of Christ/503-644-9017