A Great Marriage

Mark Dunagan
12/05/10 - Sunday Morning

 

A Great Marriage

A recent study by the Pew Research Center, in association with Time magazine found that 39 percent of Americans stated marriage was becoming obsolete. By comparison in 1978, 28 percent believed that marriage was becoming obsolete. The study also revealed that about 29 percent of children under 18 now live with a parent or parents who are unwed or no longer married, a fivefold increase from 1960. Broken down further, about 15 percent have parents who are divorced or separated and 14 percent have parents who were never married. This sounds discouraging yet even the survey indicated that marriage isn’t going away anytime soon. Despite the growing view that marriage is obsolete, 67 percent of Americans were still upbeat about the future of marriage. That is a higher percent than their view of the nation’s educational system (50 percent), the economy (46 percent), or its morals and ethics (41 percent). A little under half of unmarried adults, 46 percent, said they want to get married. And among those who are living together, 64 percent want to get married.

Is Marriage Becoming Obsolete?

Actually, one needs to first ask the question, “Which marriage, or which type of marriage is unworkable or prone to failure?” Or we could ask another question: Since the failure rate of marriage has dramatically increased since the 1960’s, are we dealing with a general failure of the institution of marriage, or many of the marriages within this generation? The reason I say this is because marriage was not invented yesterday or even at the beginning of this century or millennium. It is as old as man himself (Genesis 2:18; Mark 10:6 “But from the beginning of creation, God made them male and female”). Things that work well for thousands of years don’t just fail.

Real Marriage

Some people are convinced that marriage is becoming obsolete because they look around them and say, “Look at all the marriages of my friends and family that are wrought with problems”. This may be true. Yet don’t give up on the marriage relationship until you take a good look at how God designed marriage, and then compare the biblical pattern for marriage with the unhappy marriages of your friends. Is marriage failing or are people simply ignoring the timeless truths that are necessary to make a marriage work? When I look at marriage in the Bible, here is what I find:

• The man gives happiness to his wife: Deut. 24:5
• The man lives joyfully with his wife all his days: Ecclesiastes 9:9
• The man is intoxicated with his wife: Proverbs 5:19
• The man rejoices always in this relationship: Proverbs 5:18
• The man is willing to sacrifice himself for her: Ephesians 5:25
• The man nourishes and cherishes his wife: Ephesians 5:29
• The man dwells with her according to knowledge, in an understanding way. He is to become an expert on bringing out the best in his wife: 1 Peter 3:7
• The man treats his wife with honor: 1 Peter 3:7
• The woman supports her husband: Genesis 2:18
• She does his good all the days of his life: Proverbs 31:12
• She respects him: Ephesians 5:33
• The man and the wife are to become so close they are described as being one flesh: Ephesians 5:31

When I look at the above description of marriage how could such a beautiful institution become obsolete, especially considering the most basic need in every person is to be genuinely loved. Secondly, how could a marriage that practices the above principles ever fail? Simply put, how could two people who are sacrificing for each other, reveling in their mutual love, supporting, communicating, honoring, nurturing, and nourishing each other ever want out of such a relationship?

What Can I Do to Make My Marriage Great?

• Divorce Yourself First

“You can never be happily married to another person until you get a divorce from yourself... giving up ‘me time’, the X-box obsession, or the 50-50 split on household chores. But it sure beats the death of hope and love”. The most common other “love interest” that undermines most marriages, is not necessarily another person, but rather, one partner being in love with self.

• Treat each other like company:

“And grant her honor” (1 Peter 3:7). Too many marriages have died because people had the unbiblical idea that once you are married you can say anything you want to a mate, and they just have to take it. When you honor someone you do not take them for granted, for the term “honor” means to value. By the way, you’ll like yourself better as well when you know you are treating your spouse honorably.

• Treat each other like fellow Christians:

“As a fellow heir of the grace of life” (1 Peter 3:7). Many marriages fail because people never were taught the final goal of the relationship. The final goal is not to build wealth, own a home together, have a convenient lover or even have successful children. The real goal of the relationship is to help each other prepare to enjoy an eternity heaven.

• Do not Presume on their Faithfulness

The most difficult kind of cases is often Christians in an unhappy marriage. Why? Because such Christians know their spouse morally has cause to stay with them. Subsequently, they did not work, did not feel the need to change, and rested on their laurels because they felt confident their spouses’ Christian obligation would prevent him or her from seeking a divorce.

• Stopping Listening to the Culture

Unfortunately, younger people are often allowed to write love songs long before they understand love, or have actually practiced it in a real life situation. “But it’s too late baby, now it’s too late/Though we really did try to make it/Something inside has died and I can’t hide/And I just can’t fake it”. Lyrics like this send the message: Love is a capricious force that happens to people. Love, in its unfathomable mystery, can die as a consequence of inscrutable and uncontrollable causes. Sometimes you realize that you really love someone other than the person you’re with, and it’s not your fault. It is so liberating to realize that we have control over our love for someone. We don’t have to fall out of love, and we are not slaves to some unpredictable emotion. Therefore, we know that the marriage relationship does not exist primarily to fulfill us. The wise Christian knows the opposite. I don’t know of any successful marriages in which both spouses did not pour out themselves for the other

• Keep God at the Center:

I have seen couples who seemed perfect for each other – they had mutual goals, strong mutual interests and seemed to do everything together. Their talents even seemed to perfectly match and complement one another, yet they still divorced. On the other hand, I have never seen a marriage fail when both people in the relationship consistently behaved like faithful Christians, or in other words, continued to treat each other like they really believed that God was watching them, and that they would give an account one day (2 Corinthians 5:10) for their thoughts, words, and actions. This is one reason why I need to work on my relationship with God first each day – if I do this much of my marriage will take care of itself. I have seen many people work on their marriages and yet it still failed because what they neglected was their relationship with God.

• Work on Yourself

Too many couples get focused on what the other person in the relationship is or is not doing and forget about their own behavior. If I stop trying to change the other person to my personal preferences and change myself to God’s preferences, it is amazing how my perspective can change regarding the person to whom I am married.

• Do not Resent the Work

The very fact that many people choose to live together rather than be married, even though they could afford to be married, simple confirms the fact that even unbelievers know that compared to all lesser relationships, there is a big difference in the effort, commitment and work required to make a marriage flourish. Great things take a lot of effort and a wonderful marriage is worth every ounce of work that you put into it.

• Grow in the Process

God designed marriage, not only for the furtherance of the human race, or the basis for civilization ( as if that was not enough), He also designed marriage for our own personal growth. Living circumspectly in such close proximity with someone from the other gender for most of your life-time through all sorts of challenges, will make you a better person.

• Differences Do Not Drive People Apart

In my experience the only “difference” that drives a wedge between couples is sin: selfishness, dishonor, lack of respect, cruel words, physical abuse, and sexual unfaithfulness. Those are the real incompatible differences and hurt marriages. Different likes, dislikes, hobbies, interests, personalities can be very healthy because they round you out to be able to accomplish more as a couple. So don’t let the devil tell you that this relationship is not worth working on because you have many differences or accidentally married the wrong person. Two people who love God and His will can with Him make a wonderful, fulfilling marriage.

Mark Dunagan/Beaverton Church of Christ/503-644-9017
www.beavertonchurchofchrist.net