Sunday Sermons
Hope to Parents
Hope to Parents
“It is from God that parents receive their children, and it is to God that they should lead them” Dietrich Bonheoffer
Children are called both a "gift" and a "reward in Psalm 127:4. So while one of the purposes of marriage is to bring children into the world, the ultimate purpose of having children is not to populate the planet, of course, but the more spiritual mission of bringing them to Jesus (Matthew 19:14).
Ephesians 6:4 “Children, obey your parents”
Clearly, both parents are to be involved in giving guidance and spiritual instruction. An example of both mom and dad genuinely walking the walk, both continually hungering for God's word and reading their bibles and praying from the heart habitually, both discussing God and His wisdom in the home (Proverbs 1:8) give children a great spiritual advantage. The Holy Spirit continues to place emphasis upon both parents in Ephesians 6:2 when He inspires the writer to pen the words “Honor your father and mother”. We might have expected the Holy Spirit to continue this "father and mother" theme by saying, “Parents, do not provoke your children to anger", yet the Spirit places the emphasis of "not provoking" on fathers. Thus, both parents are to teach the children about God, so while the father does not have the sole responsibility, he does have a special responsibility to lead. This leading responsibility in teaching the children about God and offering correction and discipline is the continuation of the father’s role as head (Ephesians 5:23). Therefore, if the child or children are not learning about God or are not being disciplined a man cannot say, “That is the way that my wife wants to raise them—and she won’t let me interfere”.
Yet we are increasingly living in a culture where a woman might tell her husband, “You are the head in relation to fixing things around the house, working on the car or mowing the lawn—but I am the expert in how to raise, teach and correct the children”. Christian women need to resist this temptation. For if the kids are not honoring mom, dad and God as they should, would God not have place to ask, “Why are you allowing this to happen?” Remember when the sons of Eli the priest were dishonoring Me that I called to the carpet Eli the father (1 Samuel 2:29)? When men realize the directing of the eternal souls of their children is far more weighty than even providing their children's physical needs, fathers open the door to becoming quite skilled at the task before them, and in this way do not tempt their wife to take the lead for lack of a head.
Why Anger?
Ephesians 6:4 “And you, fathers, do not provoke your children to wrath, but bring them up in the training and admonition of the Lord”.
“Of all the things Paul could have encouraged fathers not to do, he chooses this one. Amazing. Why this one? Why not, don’t discourage them? Or pamper them? Or tempt them to covet or lie or steal? Why not, don’t abuse them? Or neglect them? Or set a bad example for them? Or manipulate them? Of all the things he could have warned fathers against, why this?” (This Momentary Marriage, John Piper, pp. 149-150).
- God may have singled out anger because anger is probably the most common emotion found in a selfish heart when it confronts either parental or divine authority. Fathers do represent the ultimate authority: God. When self-will meets authority, too often the result is anger — the two-year old may throw a tantrum and the teenager may slam the door, or worse.
Common sense tells us we are not being instructed here to "never cross your child or inadvertently put them in a bad mood", what the Holy Spirit is more likely instructing is that there will be plenty of anger with even the best of parenting, so make every effort, without compromising God’s truth, to avoid causing unnecessary frustrations and pointless battles. There is no open door for blackmail here. “This verse [Ephesians 6:4] may not be used as emotional blackmail by the children. Blackmail would say, ‘I am angry, Dad, so you must be wrong because the Bible says you are not supposed to make me feel like this’. Some people never grow out of this childish self-centeredness. ‘My emotions are the measure of your love; so if I am unhappy, you are not loving me’. We have all experienced this kind of manipulation” (Piper p. 151).
- “Paul may focus on not provoking to anger in our children because this emotion devours almost all other good emotions. It deadens the soul. It numbs the heart to joy and gratitude and hope and tenderness and compassion and kindness. So Paul knows that if a dad can help a child not be overcome by anger, he may unlock his heart to a dozen other precious emotions that make worship possible and make relationships sweet” (Piper p. 150). It is certainly wise then, to avoid being unreasonable in our expectations of our children, and demand of them behaviors far above what should be expected at a given time of their development.
I believe that last quote is spot on. Worship and obedience to the word of God are altogether impossible if one's heart is filled with anger. Relationships, friends, marriages, etc…just do not work when anger is the grade of soil in the human heart. How can anything advantageous for our eternal soul result when one is raging against the Lord (Proverbs 19:3)? Obviously, neither spiritual nor personal growth can take place when the heart of a young man or woman is filled with vexation (Ecclesiastes 11:10). No wonder Solomon said that anger rests in the hearts of fools (Ecclesiastes 7:9). Only a foolish person would blame God, burn the bridges that lead to good relationships, refuse to listen to sound advice, fail to see their blessings and opportunities, remain ungrateful and find people who are made in God’s image to be annoying. If this is you, you are overdue for an 180 degree turn in your attitude. See clearly your blessings and watch anger dissipate.
The Warning
Our children, as well as us and all human beings have a vast supply of anger that will flare up and respond to unfairness, inconsistency, hypocrisy, abuse, neglect, emotional distance, verbal putdowns, unkind words and so on. To put it another way, our heavenly Father has never done anything that would cause legitimate anger in the heart of any human being. We are never warranted in getting angry at God, never. So, God is our model.
Ephesians 4:29-5:2
In other words, before a parent can wisely parent a child they first must willingly yield themselves to their own parenting by God. It is good that a father is learning to avoid causing unnecessary drama, yet more is needed than just stopping bad behavior in one's own life. “Don’t just stop doing things that provoke anger; start doing things that prevent and overcome anger. Start doing things that awaken in the heart of the child other wonderful emotions so that they are not devoured by anger — the great emotion eater” (Piper p. 152).
What Can I Do?
- Embrace God’s forgiveness (4:32). God has forgiven us. God has been kind to us. God has been very tenderhearted to us. All the failures of the past are entirely forgiven. You don’t have to hold on to them. God loves you. Allow God’s love for you to melt years of hard, numbing, emotionless, low-grade anger. You'll not miss it, in fact, you'll love life more than you realized you could, for one will have a very hard time loving as one should unless one completely embraces and accepts God’s forgiveness. If I am holding on to all the failures of the past, I cannot be happy. We were not designed to live with the guilt of sins long ago forgiven.
- How noteworthy God's instruction to remove the bitterness (4:31), which would of course include all the bitter and cutting words that naturally spring from a bitter heart. We are told to forgive—yet we are instantly reminded of our own being forgiven. If we are all stuck on, “I can’t believe they did that to me. Why would they do that?” Ask yourself this, “Have you ever hurt someone?” The answer is obvious. Yet, so is the rest of the question. The reason that someone hurt you is likely similar the same reason that you hurt someone else. Remember and value your own forgiveness so much that you feel indebted to forgive those who have dealt unjustly with you.
When God created marriage and the home, among other things, He created a relationship or atmosphere in which anger-defeating love can be demonstrated, and an anger-defeating realm in which children can be lovingly raised. Share the kindness (4:32) you've been given from God. And Christian mom and dad, let your positive, reassuring smile and other body language communicate clearly to your child, "You have been forgiven, and I adore you."
Mark Dunagan | mdunagan@frontier.net
Beaverton Church of Christ | 503-644-9017
www.beavertonchurchofchrist.net
